october 2012

Guessing this blog is going to die down fairly soon, although it might be a good idea to keep up the training diary for my own records.

But don't think it's dying because the ACL story is ending, not at all. I am not that fortunate. In fact, it's taking a new turn these days. It would only die because of lack of interest, energy or spirit to continue it, whether it be in writing or real life.

A week ago I had an MRI done, just to check that nothing was broken as I've had some serious trouble lately. The doctor was going to call me with the results - which he did - and I managed to miss the call. He left a voice mail though.

You know those scenes in films and tv-series where a character will get a voice mail or a phone call with bad news and just drop the phone? That's what it felt like, sort of. Heart just sunk to the bottom of my chest when I heard it, and I've listened to it a few more times, just to make sure I interpreted it correctly. No, the ACL is not torn again, and I admit that that would have been worse. The message he left is probably the third worst scenario that could have happened. As follows:

The MRI was inconclusive but not entirely good (he used a Swedish expression which I'm struggling to translate). ACL looks fine but there is an irregularity in the meniscus. He suggests I keep at it during the autumn and then get in touch if it doesn't work and we'd consider what to do, for example go inside to check = another surgery. He left his number as well.

So, in short - I still don't know. Well, I know that there is something with the meniscus but apparently not enough to do something about at the moment. I'm where I was before, pretty much.

Also, being back at university where I used to play basketball, being friends with girls in the team...it's hard. I was down there for practice and couldn't stand it more than 5 minutes before I had to leave. Chest tightened and felt the panic approach as I stood watching them, now knowing that I'd never be able to do that again. Not even for fun. And it's not just that, you know, I've almost reconciled with that fact - but it's that I can't do anything at all. Whatever I do, it hurts. I can't live a normal life, and that's just fucking (pardon my French) depressing.

Anyway, I'm going to call this guy and ask what I should do. Probably get in touch with a physio too. Don't know if anyone still reads this blog, but there you go. For ACL peeps - don't worry, you'll be fine. I genuinely believe that. It's just me that the Universe likes to fuck with in every possible way.

Ciao.

x

just an update

I'm still in pain muscle-wise from 2 days ago so I took a resting day today. Ran 4.5 km yesterday and limped off the treadmill. Now it hurts when I'm walking.

As such.

I gym, it hurts. I rest, it hurts.

Another one of those moments: I am 23 years old. I cannot go out for a walk because it will probably hurt. I can run maximum 5 km on a good day before I have to stop because of pain/instability. 

In Olympics times, this defect becomes more apparent. I'm trying to get used to being an ex-athlete, but when I can't even walk normally, I can't help but to despair. 4 knee surgeries, and what for? This is not life.

x

lately

Lazy in updating here, mostly because training is bollocks at the moment.

Friday, I ran 4 km before knee gave in.

Today I managed a whopping 5K in 30 minutes before I had to stop. I suppose it's better than 2 weeks ago when nothing was possible but I do have some bad pain right now.

I don't know what to do, but I'll keep doing it.

x

beta plan

There is a beta plan in progress, friends. I do not want to spend too much energy/time on this particular issue at the moment, as I have 2 weeks left in my beloved Japan before heading back to Europe, and I want to make the most of it. However, I do realise I can't simply ignore it until I reach Swedish soil because quite frankly, I have to face the fact that location will do no difference.

Anyway.

For the following 2 weeks, until I can seek out a physio in a final attempt once and for all, here's what's going to happen:

Step 1: Avoid any kind of leg training (besides cycling) until knee feels ok. I reckon a few more days max.
Step 2: Stay away from the treadmill, but introduce light weight training + balance to ease in to the whole regime again. Perhaps a few days here too.
Step 3: Increase weights, and if all feels fine, attempt a shorter run at low pace.

Here, I'll attempt a class (a friend's holding it) in BodyCombat, to test. If it feels fine, I'll return to 2+2 sessions per week, but perhaps with 30-40 minutes' runs instead of 50-60 mins. I'll also do glute bridges 5 times per week, and work harder on squatting without shaking.

And then I'll fly west, find a proper physio, and give this knee one final proper 100% heart and soul try. However long time I need to put into it. Whatever happens then, let's cross that bridge when we get to it.

I might have to reassess and restructure my life quite a bit, but I'm leaning towards being ready to do so. Can't keep fighting this war anymore, like I've said before. Either I win it now, stand victorious, or I admit defeat, and gather material to rebuild my city.

x

done & dusted?

Today we reached a new low, friends. I went to the gym, too scared to run, but with enough guilt within to at least do a strength session.

Lately when I've been running I've felt in every step a strong sensation like it's going to fold. This creepy feeling has been accompanied by mental images of it twisting, and if this goes on for 40-60 minutes, you don't feel well.

So, strength. I went for leg press, felt a little pain but nothing too bad. Tried leg extension and it nearly gave way. That was it. I did some abs and cycling and went home to study for an exam, barely holding back tears.

As I was lying on the mats, semi-stretching semi-trying to maintain my calm, one thought floated in my mind: I'm so innerly and deeply and thoroughly tired. Then another struck, as I observed people running, doing squats, and generally keeping fit without any apparent worries (of course you never know): I hate you all. I'm so bitter, but I for a moment only entitled myself to feeling that resentment: I hate all you people who can do stuff, run, train, keep fit without having to worry like I do. I know a lot of people would consider me 'lucky' (but that's bs anyway) etc but I hate this situation. After the session I couldn't walk. All day I've treaded on egg shells, scared that it'll fold, and quite frankly it's been close a few times.

I can't play basketball, fair enough, but now I might have to consider stepping it down in the gym as well. It's like a one-way ladder where the only way is down. I'm not naturally skinny, I need to work out - but if I can't, then what? I'm already gaining weight. And if diet, and don't eat enough, I'll lose muscle in my legs and off we go on the evil circle again.

I'm so, so frustrated, because I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so helpless and insignificant and pathetic - whatever I do it ends up being thrown in my face one way or the other.

I'll ride out this part, in Japan. Post-Japan I'll have to deal with it and come to a decision, honestly. I cannot keep fighting a fight I cannot win. And if I can win it, I need to win it once and for all. Maybe I need to substantially refocus my life, a sort of Renaissance? Perhaps I need to give up further ambition and find other ways to spend my time than sportsy things? Maybe I now belong on the stands rather than in action, regardless of level? It hurts to think so, and I know I won't be able to live a full life without it, but we will have to see.

Without too much self-pity, my heart is breaking with this whole concept and now when it invades every single aspect and moment of my life, I can't escape. Only in my sleep and while writing can I think of something else. It pains me, and perhaps it has to. The never-ending story.

Rant over. For now.

x

Yesterday:

7k, 41 minutes

Every single step it felt like it'd give way and fold completely. Not sure how to handle this problem.

Today:

15 mins cycling
Leg press: 65+67.5+70 kg
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg
Lunges: 3x 10+10/leg 2x 7kg
Agility ladder + sprint: 15 minutes
Bending
Stretching

I need to run, both knee-wise and weight-wise, but I can't. In my head, literally, every step flashes an image of it folding, and in all honesty it feels as though it is about to as well. At the moment it is quite painful and I'm not sure if that is because I've moved too little, or too much. Yes, I've spent a few days more or less still most of the time because of studying/writing - but I've gone to the gym 6 days per week, doing all the stuff I'm supposed to. Last week, 25 km run in 3 sessions.

Whatever I do it seems to go wrong. This makes me sad, I eat, I get fat, everything is flunked down a notch, and so it begins again. Maybe I'll attempt running tomorrow. Maybe. I don't know what to do anymore.

13 months post-op and I feel like it should be at least a little better than it is. It hurts most of the time, I can't do anything significant - not even strength! - and it honestly gives me more trouble than pleasure right now. Funny thing is that in my head I'm imagining it'll be fine once I hit Europe - but why on earth would it???

So frustrating.

x

2

Yesterday: 55 mins cycling, 20 km

Today:

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 65+66.5+66.5 kg
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg (bad bad bad)
Leg curl: 3x 39 kg
Lunges: 3x 20 reps, 7x2 kg
Balance board
Bending
Abs+arms

In lunges my RIGHT knee decided to mess up, so had to cut it short. Wonderful moment with lots of young guys around me. Leg extension was really bad as well, with crackling knee, threatening to give way. And on TV was basketball. And my master plan fell through with HGG, which was probably for the best anyway.

Me? Defeatist? Never.

So sick of this.

x

Gym session today. Thought I'd give running a rest and do some strength. What a failure. In leg press I felt som serious meniscal pain so I stopped. Did some more light stuff but I haven't been able to walk all day. It's all wobbly and unstable and threatening to give way at any point. Stairs have been a nightmare.

10+12 mins cycling
Leg press: 2x 65 kg
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg
Lunges: 3x 20+5 reps, 8x2 kg
Bending
Abs + arms

Fucking hate this. Tomorrow I'll try running again. Don't know what to do anymore.

x

today's

8.23 km = 50 minutes

Rubbish time of course but there we go. Bit of arms + abs as well.

x

gym like there's no tomorrow

Been lazy to update lately. But not lazy in the gym, rest assure. On a fierce hunt to chase away fat at the moment so doing 5-6 times a week and with longer runs. Fact is, given the circumstances at this point in time, the gym is my favourite place. It's my castle and I make the rules. I love an empty gym where I can just do what I do without any botherance (is that even a word?). People are idiots, mostly, and in the gym it's all me. I love it.

Today:

10K run, 56 minutes
Leg press: 3x 65 kg
Leg extension: 3x 28.6 kg
Glute bridges
Lunges
Abs
Bending

Run killed me, and the second part took an HOUR to do. Still dizzy. But almost on my first goal weight (well, after the run).

x

run, baby, run

7.5 km in just under 45 minutes.
Glute bridges 2x 30 reps

Happy with that, but now I'm dying. Also back on counting calories, and eating a lot less than I have done in past months. Tired is not enough to describe my state! But I will get down below 20% fat again! + reach my goal weight (secret!). Yes, yes, I will.

x

10k

Managed 10.5 km in 60 minutes today.

Also, glute bridges 2x 30 reps.

Gotta be happy with that. Towards the end, our dear little knee was tired to say the least. But it fought all the way to the finish line, or for that I'll say well done and treat it nicely tonight. Good girl (it'd be weird if I regarded it a boy...right?)

x

Been gymming lightly lately because of illness. When I get ill my knee becomes shaky, and I can't see the point in heavy lifting at all. I do try to do light stuff, just to keep it going, but obviously it does affect it negatively.

Right now it hurts, and I can barely walk because it's so shaky. Also rather sleep deprived these days so that might have an impact as well.

Measured my fat today. 24.3% - not happy with that. I made a deal with the instructor that I'd go down to 22% before I leave. I should be able to do it. I know I'm fat right now.

Sucks balls. That's sort of a decent summary.

x

today

Time was limited, so brief session. Also ill still.

10 mins cycling
Leg press: 3x 65 kg
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg
Glute bridges: 1x 30 reps
Arms + upper body

I'm moving closer to giving up. Think it's for the best.

x

give up 2.0 beta

In all honesty, I am now very very close on giving up. However, the difference from earlier threats of such action is that this time I really don't mean it in a self-destructive and potentially compromising way. No, not at all.

The hard fact is, the chance of full recovery for a first time ACL reconstruction is somewhere around 85-90%. We all know how what went and why. For a second reconstruction, the odds go down to 50%. In other words, it can go either way.

I think it's soon time for me to realise and accept that for me, this time as well, the odds went against me. Shit happens, and last time it was a human mistake - this time, statistics simply weren't in my favour. It's not necessarily disastrous, and I'm not wallowing in my typical self-pity here, no. It's a simple observation that I'm over 12 months post-op, I'm doing (and have done) the best I can but it's not getting any better.

I shall of course continue training, and sometimes it'll feel good, but perhaps most often not. My sporting days were over from before anyway, and to be fair, as long as I eat properly it does function fairly well on a daily basis. Might not be able to do that marathon I've sort of been considering lately, but I guess there are worse fates to come by.

Does it make me sad? Yes, a little. But I can't go on fooling myself forever, letting every moment of my life go to trying to fix it, or plan ways to fix it, dreaming about things to do. Somewhere I need to find a way to let it go, let it be the eternal part of me as it will be, but place it in the backseat rather than in front of the wheel. It's not a particularly good driver.

No official decisions set in stone yet, but it is certainly the way I'm headed. Should you have any comments/advice here, whoever you are, please feel free to drop them in the comment box below. I don't trust myself anymore.

x

"run"

Tried a run today. Fail. 1.94 km before knee started acting up. Instead of giving in as I'd usually do, I walked for a bit, then put on my motivational tune and tried running again. Made it up to 5 km in total, 34 minutes (ridiculous) before I stopped.

Did some bending and my glute bridges so overall it's ok. It's enough to count for a session.

But I'm not happy with this anti-progress. Not sure if it has to do with illness, or what, but yeah...no smiley faces.

x

shake it up shekerim

Today the knee was so shaky I couldn't even do balance board. Squats were a joke and nothing worked. I am so so sick of this behaviour now. It's been 12 months, I'm not supposed to be at this low level! Frustration.

When frustrated I eat chocolate, get fat, and more frustrated. Fucking logic.

20 mins cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg extension: 3x 30 kg
Glute bridges: 2x 30 reps
Attempted squats, jumps, balance
Bending: 3x

Hate it, hate it, hate it. After my tutoring tonight I'm getting chocolate. So far I've binged on sushi, yoghurt and noodles. I'm disgusting. F-word.

x

gymming

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg extension: 3x 30 kg (10)
Glute bridges: 2x 30 reps
Balance ball jump: 3x 15 reps
Agility ladder + sprint: 3x 10 sets
Squats: 3x 20 kg (10)
Calf raises: 2x 20/leg

Also tried some square jumps on one leg but it was bad. I don't trust it for anything and I'm not sure how to get out of that. I don't know what I'm doing wrong either. Got plenty of muscle but it doesn't seem to do much for me!

x

yday

Went to the gym but forgot my shoes. What an idiot.

Glute bridges: 2x 30s
Hip flex: 3x 10/leg
Back+abs+arms
Stretch

Got the glute bridges done at least. I'm ill, and consequently extremely tired. Not sure how to handle it.

x

gym

So today turned out to be decent, despite severe tiredness.

7.1 km, 40 minutes
Bending x3

Didn't have time for glute bridges, which leaves me at only 4 this week but it'll have to do. Mitigating circumstances (=Eurovision) has rendered me so, so tired this week. Next one will hopefully mean proper sleep and I can do full sessions again.

x

12 months

12 months post-op was yesterday and it passed by quite unnoticed. Perhaps mostly because even though the official rehab might be over (gosh, that sounds odd to my ears), I'm still far from recovered.

Nevertheless the training session I had in honour of the day went rather well, so I shall not complain. A year ago (before the surgery) I could not run at all, not even cycle because of pain, and walking was hazardous because it might give way. Whatever has gone down these past 12 months, and wherever this ends up - I've come a long way from that.

It's time to, even if it's difficult, think ahead and look to what's possible rather than to keep mourning the past and try to rationalise it. It's done and it won't change, so let's leave where it belongs. Easier said than done, and I'm sure you'll be reading a melancholic post here again, but for now that's my ambition at least.

Thank you for following my journey, and particularly Tony for encouraging comments and always being there, no matter how much I've been whining. You've given me some seriously good insights throughout and helped in keeping me sane.

ACL Rehab 2.0 will now become (courtesy of Tony) ACL 2.0 Beta, as the journey continues. Maybe the summer season can offer some new CJ drama?

x

you can run but you can't hide

Run on the Day with capital D. Went rather well and I stopped because I decided to, not the knee.

5 km, 31 mins
Glute bridges: 2x 30 reps
Hip extension on balance ball: 3x 10 reps/leg
Stretch
Bending

Could possibly have run longer, and even upped the pace to level 11.5 in the end. It's been a while since I did that. I'll continue running and at some point I have to introduce intervals again. But I'm scared. I'm too scared and I don't trust it at all to do stuff like that. Maybe I'll a week or two, just to give the hamstrings a chance to improve before. Yes, yes I'll do that.

x

fail...!

Another session today. Was all planned to do a run, at least 5K per usual. However, after 2.5 km our lovely main character gave up. Medial pain and I stopped. Both because physio's orders and because it was simply too worrisome. Went on to do some strength instead.

20 mins cycling
2.5 km = 17 mins
Squats: 3x 20 kg (10) - w. heel support
Calf raises: 3x20 /leg
Glute bridges: 2x 30 reps - PAIN!
Stretch
Bending: 2x

I'm not happy. I'm frustrated and upset because even the easiest things hurt, and I can't do anything. 2 days until 1 year post-op and where am I? Am I really supposed to be on the verge of tears because it hurts so much?

It's funny. Seconds after I left the gym I bumped into a friend. He's got similar problems with his back and shoulders and can't do any sports, not even running! I gave him a pep talk about how it takes time and how he should push even though it hurts. His comment: "I'll be as joyful as you are." Ironic, isn't it?

x

yesterday

Monster 2½ hour gym session!

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg (15)
Leg curl: 3x 39 kg (15)
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg (15) - still uncomfortable
Glute bridges: 2x 30 reps
Bending: 3x
Hip extension on balance ball: 3x 10/leg
+ upper body
Stretch

Very good session, despite uncomfortability in leg extension. Don't like it.

x

a thought

This blog is called "ACL Rehab 2.0" - so in 3 days when the rehab period is over, would I be justified in keeping the blog?

x

3 days...

...until 1 year anniversary. Dreading it, I think. I'm a little sad that it doesn't mean anything, not really. I'm nowhere near recovered so it's only another day to reminisce.

Split feelings over here.

x

quality vs quantity?

I got a reply from CJ. I find it amusing and rather oddly dissatisfying that he says

"You should focus on quality rather than quantity - 3 strength sessions and 2 running per week is enough."

5 days a week is thus not regarded as 'quantity' by CJ. I'd say that's a quantity, no?

x

pain + run

Week's final run today and it started hurting around 5 km. Physio told me to stop if running hurt so I finished 5 k is just over 30 mins and then quit. Walked a bit with 2.5 inclination to slow down.

5k
Bending
Balance board + hip flexion: 3x 10 reps

No time for glute bridges. Tomorrow.

x

yesterday...

Gym session yesterday. Nothing major for the following reason (and this is genuinely true) - I didn't want to wash my hair before going out. Dedication? As follows:

10 mins cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg (15)
Leg curl: 3x 39 kg (15)
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg (15) - felt oddly and disturbingly uncomfortable
Glute bridges: 2x 30 reps
Balance board + hip flexion: 3x 10 reps/leg

Think that was it! Also tried the squats without shaking knees, but I simply can't do it. Try, and try again.

x

today

1 week before 12 months post-op. Joke.

Run: about 7km, 40 mins (not sure about this...but according to treadmill)
Some squats without weights to try and control the shaky knee. Fail.
Balance board.

On the bright side, the running felt good. Better than in a long, long time.

x

gym

Yesterday's session:

10 mins cycling
6 mins interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 65 kg (15)
Leg curl: 3x 39 kg (10)
Leg extension: 3x 26 kg (15)
Bending
Glute bridges (part of the new regime): 2x 30 reps

Ran out of time after that. Hamstrings shall be worked!

x

acl

My intact acl. Time to change the design of the blog I think!

x

danger averted!

MRI today. Result: everything intact. In the top row you can clearly see the ACL like a black stripe across the void between thigh and calf bone.

Also note the two smaller holes - that's where the genius surgeon put the first reconstruction.

My new physio (who I want to marry, naturally) said it's down to my hamstrings. Ironically, the least important part of a patella rehab! Not that I've been neglecting, not at all, but I apparently have to work more on them. And stabilisation of the knee. Haven't done any of that, thank you CJ.

Frustrated to the max, but I know I should be grateful that all is intact. I'm just so, so very tired. The doctor asked me "what do you want to do when you recover?" and I had no answer, as always. I don't know. What do I want to do? Maybe not have to worry every single second of every day about it? Maybe be able to wear heels without pain? Maybe run without pain? Maybe sometimes feel that I can join sporty stuff? I don't know.

x

today

Today was running day.

6 km, about 35 minutes.
15 mins cycling
Bending 3x
Stretch

At 5 km it began hurting, but I'd already decided on 6k so I continued. By the end it did hurt in every step and it was stiff. After some bending it loosened up. Can't wait for Tuesday to find out what the deal is. Right now I'm holding off any kind of emotion as I can't possibly say one way or the other. But I've done my part I think, training-wise. CJ wanted me to rest, but I've done light sessions to keep my muscles.

We shall see.

x

gym

Yesterday's gym session. Light and painful.

10 mins cycling
Tried interval cycling - no good
Leg press: 3x 65 kg (10+5 reps)
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg (15)
Leg curl: 3x 39 kg (10)
Lunges: 3x 10+5 reps - no weight
Balance board one-leg deadlifts: 3x 10 per leg

Pretty useless.

x

3 things: III

I am seeing an orthopedist on Tuesday. He works in central Tokyo and seems incredibly nice! A new crush perchance...? Also it looks like I can use my insurance, which would be great!

Potential MRI coming up, and I swear to god if that shows anything dodgy...I will actually laugh. 'Cause it'd be hilarious. Or tragic. Or both. I don't know. I'll have to wait for next week to see, but right now it hurts and it's hurts quite a bit.

11 months, 15 days post-op. I never thought I'd be in this situation again, and yet here I am. We shall see.

x

3 things: II

CJ replied. And I am not happy. It's been 2 weeks since I e-mailed him a rather upset e-mail with the headline "Slight panic".

Questions:
How do you not read that straight away?
How do you not reply to that straight away?

He said he'd been busy - yeah right. I've seen him work. He has an hour lunch break every day. If you don't prioritise a thing like that, you ain't no good physio. My other one in Norway replied to me on a Sunday evening after he just returned from a conference. Within 1 day of me sending it. Within another day I had the name and e-mail to a physio here. He replied to my thank-you e-mail within 2 hours.

Difference of private vs public or physio vs physio? I'm not sure but CJ - I think we're over. It's not me, it's you. I will have to find a new physio crush.

x

3 things: I

Ran today. Did 50 minutes (45 actually running I think) at level 10 km/hr. Got to a nice 8 km before I stopped. Rather slow pace I know but right I'm doing nothing to aggravate this shitty situation. I stopped partly because of time, partly because it hurt a bit and I was starting to limp.

But I am satisfied with the run overall. Also did some bending exercises and balancing board. Decent work-out!

x

gym

Gym gym. Felt alright although knee is always ready to resign. Managed some squats even today.

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 65 kg (15)
Leg extension: 26+28.5+28.5 kg (15)
Leg curl: 3x39 kg (15)
Squats: 3x 20 kg (10)
Ski jumps (light): 2x40 reps

Did eat a truckload of carbs before so maybe that helped. It's a curse that the performance of my knee seems to be so dependent on intake of carbs! Weight-wise, that is. I love carbs.

x

ps. I called the clinic today and asked them to leave CJ a message to get the F back to me (not in so many words). If he doesn't reply within 2 hours (before they close) I give up on it. Hear that, CJ? Then it's over!

back in the gym

Did a minor strength session today. Minor because I don't trust my knee to take out the trash, and because it still hurts. As such:

20 min cycling
Leg press: 3x 65 kg (10 reps)
Leg curl: 32+39+39 kg (10)
Leg extension: 3x 26 kg (10)
Balance board
Bending 3x

Didn't have space to do squats but last time I tried it hurt like F so might be for the best. Will rest tomorrow, and then do strength again on Tuesday, to be followed by running on Wednesday. Admittedly it does feel a little bit better now after the gym session, but it's still swollen and hurts a bit, and even walking is a bit unsteady.

Fingers crossed CJ replies tomorrow. I need his opinion on this!

x

run

60-ish minute run today. Not sure about distance as I didn't use my fancy Nike+ but around 7-8 km maybe. Stopped every now and then because the knee was painful or threatening to fold + traffic lights etc.

Afterwards it was dead, and now walking hurts a bit. If CJ doesn't reply by Monday I swear I'll fly over there and knock on his door myself! I feel like I'm weightless in space - just sort of floating around without purpose, direction, or control. It's a weird feeling. Also eating a lot and can't really do proper training so getting fatter. I love my life. Yes, I could eat less but stress + inactivity = food galore.

It's a pathetic place to be in, and yet here I am. Just got to ride it out and hope the wave hits the shore at some point. During the run the meniscus hurt a lot, and I swear to god that if anything is wrong I will fall apart into a million pieces, and I'm not sure it'll be possible to glue it together again. Terrified? Me? Never...

And yes, people are starving, and people are in wheelchairs and people can't walk at all, and a thousand other things - but this is my world, and it's crumbling around me regardless. Gosh, I need someone to reason with. My own head is not good enough anymore.

x

first try

Tried running today. First time since the twist. It was no great success, nor epic fail. Did 30 mins with some difficulty at a low pace, and it hurt afterwards (still does now). Also tried some squats w/o weight but that hurt too much. It crackles still and I'm trying not to freak out, but as CJ STILL hasn't replied (pestered him with another email tonight) I don't know what to do.

Keep the balance, I suppose. Another attempt at some strength tomorrow.

x

oh cj...

Still no reply from CJ. I suspect he's either on a long long weekend due to some national holidays in Sweden or simply ignoring me.

Either way, still don't know whether to freak out completely or only half-way. For now, I'm balancing on the edge of both.

Will go gym today to test some light running. I have no expectations as I notice my mental instability has become a lot worse. Running to catch a bus? I don't think so.

This sucks balls. Effort is worth nothing unless it produces success, I'm afraid.

x

i hate this

You've heard it before, but this time it's legitimate. I hate this, and I hate it bad.

In short, as I'm in no mood for expanded explanations: I went to Zumba tonight and 20 minutes in I twisted the knee. No damage I don't think but it 'dislocated' like a million times before and stayed that way for about 20 seconds before clicking back.

I e-mailed CJ but he didn't see it before going home so now I have to wait until Monday to find out what he says. 11 months post-op, and this happens. I have no words.

x

the imminent end

I've decided that the soon-to-be-non-end to this whole shebang in a month is both good and bad. Surprised? Well, let me explain.

Bad because:
- it somehow, in a twisted sense, gives me a purpose in life.
- it allows me the benefit of a doubt, and the hope that I haven't yet reached the top level.
- it's all I know. What will I do after?
- it won't be the end, even if I pretend it is.
- running out of time.

Good because:
- the end! 8 years can finally, finally, be concluded.
- even if I'm not at the level I should be, the time pressure is off. No longer will I sit there at the 25th of each month thinking 'crap, only X months left'. No, no, I'll still mark every 25th and think 'crap, X months have passed' but the time constraint will be off.
- I can help my brain readjust to a normal knee and a normal life. No excuses from then on, and I can assume I'm healthy. Freedom.

Except I don't think I'll ever be 100% fine. My mind is so used to this now - 8/22 years! - so either it'll take years and years to recover mentally, or I never will.

4 weeks left, and as always I'm torn between joy and despair. I was never good with goodbyes. Then again, I guess this one is more of a greeting of sorts. A welcome back to my friend, my partner - my knee.

x

that run

It happened, I swear. Even if I don't have any evidence for it. 40 minutes into the run, my beloved ex-friend Nike+ iPod device decided enough was enough - and quit. Without saving the run at all.

Because of this I don't know distance, but I know I was out for 60 minutes and that included a sprint from bottom to top of a hill (with some stairs). I had planned to do a number of sprints but I wanted to die at the end of the first one so sat down for a bit and then ran home. Also did 30 box jumps.

Very upset with my device.

x

why can't we just be friends?

I'm about to go for a run in the drizzling, grey weather - but I can't seem to find the energy. That seems to be a common theme these days, and although I am bored to death with very little to do, I can't muster up even enough for 30 mins run. Might have something to do with recent weight gain too (both muscles and fat). So much fatigue.

Bottomline: I don't want to go running. I want to be ABLE to go running, but I want to do sports. I want to go back and do basketball again, without 8 years of knee crap. I want to be able to do stuff without worrying constantly about this goddamn thing.

That's what I want, but as we know reality is something quite different. And so, consequently, I shall now put on my thermal running gear and do that run. 'Cause that's the way the cookie crumbles.

x

too damn muscular!

I know it's not The Hulk-level, but I feel so masculine! If I lost some fat tissue I'd certainly look 'smaller' but question is if my muscles wouldn't be more defined and so, by default, I'd look even less feminine? Gosh, I feel awful.

x

ps. yes, my room is a mess.

11 months

11 months post-op. Unbelievable.

And I celebrated by not training. How suitable. Not to worry, I will do my share this week.

11 months ago I was on the table, and in one month it will (officially) be over. Of course it's never going to be over, but there you go.

x

strength sesh

Today's:

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg curl: 32+39+39 kg
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg
Side lunges: 3x 10 reps
Balance cushion
Bending x3
+ upper body

Knee feels achy tonight. Decent session but I don't seem to increase any weights. Quickly got fatigued as well - and trust me, there is nothing minuscule about the calorie intake. Squats felt alright for once. I'm starting to think I'll never achieve equal strength in both legs - it's simply been too long. Not sure what to make of that.

x

zumba!

Tried a Zumba class today! I've been a wee bit suspicious towards this trend as it seems a bit too popular, what with tv-ads in numerous versions, and DVDs etc etc. But, in my quest for new work-out routines I went.

And I love it!

It was so much fun, the instructor was the nicest and a complete contrast to yesterday's Aerobics! Definitely making this my Sunday standard. It's quite the work-out as well. Pulse up, out of breath, and the knee felt it good. Definitely the type of thing I need to be doing.

To Zumba!

x

class debut!

Finally, finally got myself to try the classes at the gym. In other words I managed to convince a friend to go with me. Today we did 30 mins Dance followed by 50 minutes Aerobics. Verdict?

Never again. Dance was fine (although the old ladies were waay better than us!) but Aerobics was fricking hard! And not my style. Will probably do Dance again, and tomorrow we're trying Zumba!

But again I realise I'm more of a sports person, as opposed to classes. I want basketball and I want it now, dammit! Crikey, this one's a tough one...

x

gymming

Gym session yesterday. Only rather light in knee terms but my legs are aching! Here we go:

10 mins cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg
Lunges on board: 3x 14 kg
Bending: 3x

Also did some upper body + core and one lap of interval cycling. I think it's fine for a second strength session.

x

would it...

...be a terribly terrible idea to do basketball once a week?

- this is the question I want to pose to CJ. Tennis would be fun, but there's something inside me that yearns for the ballers' court. Even though I know it's a bad idea in every possible way.

x

45 mins

Run:

45 mins
7.44 km

Outside in semi-sun, on concrete. Knee was not happy about the latter but I pushed through and even though the time absolutely sucks, I did it. Not often I manage to get over 30 mins running in, so gotta be happy with it. Also did some minuscule impulsive sprinting and it felt good.

x

gym times

Finally a gym session.

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling (proper)
Leg press: 65+70+70 kg
Leg extension: 26+28.5+28.5 kg
Deadlifts: 3x 20 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg
Bending: 3x
Stretch

Did some upper body and all in all it took 1 ½ hours. Must say it felt ok, although I can certainly feel that I'm rather unfit. Got some friends now to go to classes with so hopefully I can push this last month. Also joining tennis!

I'll be honest. I'm terrified. It's 'over' soon. Except it won't be. Ok, let's not go there right now. We know how it ends.

x

yday

Had a little run and some strength.

6 km = 32 min
0.5 inclination most of the way
Squats: 3x 20 kg (10)
Bending: 3x
Balance cushion
Lateral lunges: 3x 8 kg (20)

Felt alright and I adjusted the pace a little so that I was rather tired by the end. Knee felt stiff and not very fit. Will hopefully be joining a sport soon and may have acquired a gym buddy to go to classes with. We'll see. So sick of this.

x

melancholic pleasure

I would like to take a moment and apologise for the last week's depressing posts. Normally I wouldn't mind, because this is my own space for my thoughts through this process - BUT I've seen a consistent rise in readers as well (anyone spot a connection?) so I think it's worth a post.

No, things are not great and as I'm closing in on the completion of my rehabilitation period - what should be a joyous moment of freedom - I can't help but to feel more trapped than ever. Not only am I forever tied to a regular rather tough training routine, but there are no guarantees that will even help. I don't mind working out, and in fact I do realise it is somewhat of a blessing. This way, I'll never be able to completely let myself go. It's a healthy life style I'm given.

On the other hand, the consequences if I do not follow the regime are dire. Even after 2 weeks of slipping, when I ran 10K I could not walk afterwards or the following day. Long holidays? That one-month volunteering trip I want to make? Don't even think about it.

And of course, at the same time, any elite sports is out of the question. Unless we're discussing chess or paralympics here, my days beyond "ambitious amateur" (as CJ calls it) are over. Not that I was hoping to go to the WNBA or even national league in Sweden (I gave that up long ago), but I can't even dream about it anymore. Now all that's left is the 'what if...'. I hate the what if.

Sports has always been my life, and perhaps this is a sign that my destiny is something else, but I can't figure out what. Sports is what I do, and what I've always done, and I just feel like I've lost a big part of myself. Not just through losing basketball. I've (sort of) made my peace with that. But losing sports as a whole - or at least any ambitions/dreams I may still harbour.

It's just not going to happen for me, and I'll always have to be conscious of my knee. Mr Physio said that I'll probably always feel it one way or the other. That would be fine if I was old, and it would be natural for the body to remind me of the age. But I'm not old, even though it certainly feels like it. I'm 22 and supposedly have my whole life in front of me. I've had this crap since I was 14.

To put everything above in one sentence, I guess I just don't see an end to it. And that both scares me and makes me sad. I'm sure I'll snap out of this melancholia at some point, and hopefully I'm not making any other ACL victims too depressed.

If you're out there reading this before, during or after your ACL rehab, know one thing - I've been terribly unlucky through this process, what with rogue surgeries and personal denial delaying the inevitable. You'll be fine because most people are fine. I'm just in those 10-20% you don't want to be in.


Anyway, sorry for a long post but I needed to write it down because it's been bugging me for a long time. Thank you for reading, and please feel free to mail any questions you may have about ACL surgeries/rehab etc to ladypretentious@gmail.com. I know a fair bit about it.

Again, thank you.

x

fml

6 km

In the darkness, dodging people and dogs and speed bumps and mostly trying not to die. Shape is in shambles, knee is in shambles, everything is in shambles.

F my life.

x

today

Man, I'm unfit.

10 mins cycling
1x interval cycling
Leg press: 70+70+75 kg
Leg curl: 3x 39 kg (15+15+10)
Leg extension: 3x 26 kg
Squats: none+bar+5 kg
Agility: 20 mins
Bending: 3x

How can I have gone from so fit 2 weeks ago to this flabby chubby mess? Kill me now, please.

x

the glory days

Yup. Still not over it. Fuck.

x

1.5

1.5 months. That's all that's left. Until I'm "finished". Yeah, right.

Here I am, sat in my room. It's 3pm and I'm still in my kimono (read: robe). All I've done is watch Friends episode after episode and finishing up the last of my sweets. I feel so fat and lazy and useless.

Then add on top of that the above fact. 1.5 months until I'm supposed to be "cured". In other words at the top level, or as good as it gets, or in my life's shape.

Excuse me?

The knee feels like it did back around 4-5 months and I've added another couple of layers of fat in the past 2 weeks. I know, I know, if I go back to serious training I'll go back in fitness but what about the knee? I'm nowhere near a normal level! And perhaps the worst part - I have no particular reason to get back to one! Why? Why, why, why? I have no sport to return to and no major purpose to pursue.

Of course whining doesn't help, and of course I'll do my training this week. Have 4 more days after all for 3 sessions so I'll be fine. But if I don't start doing serious, sports-oriented training, this is where I'll be. And what difference does it make anyway?

How did I end up here?

x

last one last week

Bit late but here goes:

5 km = 30 mins
With 0.5 inclination
15 minutes bending + jumping

x

After a binge of sweets and noodles I dragged myself to the gym - and what a success! Well...sort of. Now I can't walk.

10 km - 60 mins
Leg press: 65 kg x3
Leg extension: 26 kg x 3
Cycling 5 mins
Bending x3

Success because I ran 10 km and for a full hour! Long time since I did that. Epic fail of course because I barely could walk afterwards because the knee hurt so much. Painkillers next! Still hurts, hours later. I'm 22, not 80! And at more than 10 months post-op this is hardly how it should be...

x

realisations

I haven't been out of training this long, just didn't have time to update. But this week has left me with 3 sessions to do in 2 days to reach the minimum level. Will get 2 done at least.

But.
But.

I've reached a slump again and because I've had 5 days without training the knee is bad, and my body even worse. Suddenly it struck me - this is what my life will be like now. A continuous fight against myself, and my body. Unless I constantly keep up a consistent training week in and week out, I'm going to struggle with it all the time.

I'm 22 years old.

It's not my choice anymore. These are my shackles. 


x

day off...?

Something is wrong. Not knee-wise. Head-wise.

5.2 km = 30 mins
Balance board
Bending

Done nothing today and I feel lousy. But I hate running, god I do. Well, today I do. One day off won't kill me, right? I did do 4 knee-related session last week + 1 semi-related. Gosh I'm useless.

x

10

Today marks 10 months since surgery. 10 months. That means another 2 before I should be at my best. Ha!

Everything felt so good. And yet here I am, refusing to go for the final run of the week. Instead I'm inside watching TV shows and eating crap. What is wrong with me?

x

today

Gym day again. Without intending to jinx things, knee feels good (despite almost-incident today) and I feel strong. Let's keep the good diet up and stay fit, shall we?

15 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Calf in leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg curl: 3x 39 kg
Leg extension: 3x 26 kg
Squats: 3x 25 kg
Lateral lunges: 3x 7 kg
Skipping rope: 2x 5 mins
Bending: 3x
1-leg squats: 3x 5

+ Upper body work

x

tuesday

Lazy run Tuesday. Waited too long so that time constraint limited my ambition.

6 km, 34 mins

Better than nothing.

x

Close on 2 hours today in the gym, and still not happy with the effort. Gotta sort out my brains. Here goes:

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling 3x6 mins
Leg press: 3x 70 kg (15)
Leg curl: 3x 34.5 kg (15)
Leg extension: 3x 26 kg (15)
Lunges on board: 3x 10/leg 7 kg/hand
Bending x3
Plyometrics 20 mins: 15x30 secs - lateral shuffles x2 / step skip / side jumps on board / obstacle + jump 1-leg+2-leg

Worked up quite a sweat and knee got a challenge. Must have been an ok session. Running tomorrow - outside if weather allows!

x

edit!

Forgot!

I also did 7 minutes interval today. I felt the 5k simply weren't enough, considering the work I have to put in and so I rested for a bit and then went on. Did a pattern of 20 seconds rest, 40 seconds sprint-ish. I should be doing 5-10 seconds but it's too quick on a treadmill. Once I'm outside, I'll try.

x

run run run

What started out ambitiously and then turned straight downhill ended up being a pretty decent workout! Shorter running than what I'd hoped for but I'm just not in shape. Here goes:

5 km = 26 mins
Agility 'ladder' work: 40 mins / 3x3 rounds per drill (6 drills) + super short sprint at the end of each
Bench jumps 3x20 reps
Bending 4x

All in all 2 hours and I think I challenged the dear old knee to a sufficient level. Not too much and not too little. By the end it definitely was ready to go home, and it hurt even after running. But feel like I might have a chance at getting back into training. I'm more motivated and more creatively inspired to find new solutions! For now.

x

back in the gym

Back from travels and as our dear knee is in shambles, also returned to the gym. However, despite a significant muscle loss and a general deterioration of the leg it did stand up very well throughout the jungle treks. By the end of the last one I had to encourage it a little but we pulled through together. I've decided to be nice to it now. More cooperative.

So, yesterday's return:
10 min cycling
Interval cycling 2x5 min
Leg press: 3x 65 kg (15)
Leg curl: 3x 32 kg (15)
Leg extension: 3x 26 kg (15)
Squats: 3x 25 kg (15)
Bending: 3x

Didn't have for more because of a guy who started up a convo with me, but did about 1.5 hours in total so not a complete failure. Can definitely feel my muscles ache today and will try to incorporate stretch in the future. Tonight I will do a run and some agility/jumps. Inside. The weather is too cold for me to run outside. Brr.

x

oh dear,,,

Neglected is not enough to describe my knee (in)activity this week abroad. Sure, I've been active and done a lot of walking etc but only one (!) gym session, and not even a proper one today:

10 mins running (2 km)
Leg press
Leg extension
Deadlifts
Obstacle-squat
Lateral lunges
Bending
Squats

At least something. Also did a full day with some trekking in the mountains. God I feel awful about this. The coming two weeks will not have any exercise at all but I will have to try and squeeze in something. Not a good idea to go away like this. As soon as I get back - on it, and hard.

x

monstaaah

Monster session in the gym due to time constraint this week. 4 sessions needed to be done, 4 sessions happened. Today:

Running:  40 mins, 7.2 km
Leg press: 3x 75 kg (15 reps)
Leg curl: 3x 39 kg (15 reps)
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg (15 reps)
1-legged squat: 3x 5 reps /leg
Bending
Lateral shuffles I: 3x 60 secs - link
Lateral shuffles II: 3x 60 secs - link
Stepping: 3x 60 secs

2 ½ hours in total and it felt really good! The shuffles/stepping was new and it went ok. No intervals this week either - bad - but I'll try in the future. I still got some good work-outs in before leaving for holidays (where I'll of course continue as much as I can - bringing the skipping rope!).

I look forward to going away but I'm sad to go when everything feels so good knee-wise! I wish I could stay and continue this good flow, not go away and possibly deteriorate it again. Oh well, I'll do my best to work it while I'm away. Not much to do about it. But I'll have miles and miles of beach to run along in Vietnam and a gym next door to my hotel so won't complain!

x

training

Had a training session today. Did my running and I must admit I'm a little disappointed with the distance. I stopped because the knee was starting to get really tired and not really following the motion, but maybe I should have continued. Hm. Anyway, an acceptable distance. Also did 20 mins worth of jumping exercises and saw some improvement from previous attempts. A little easier and a little quicker today! Still far away from any satisfactory level, mind.

6 km = 34 mins
Dot jumps: 2x6 laps /leg
Bench jumps: 3x10
2-obstacle-squat: 20 reps/leg
Around the world jumps: 2x5 laps /leg
Bending

x

proper gym

I did one small session in Stockholm with some squat jumps and square jumps etc, but mostly to quieten my own conscience. Should've gone out running but the weather was awful! I'll be good from now on, promise.

Today, back in my Japan gym:

Leg press: 3x 70 kg (15 reps)
Leg curl: 3x 39 kg (15-ish reps)
Leg extension: 3x 26 kg (15 reps)
Squats: 3x 25 kg (10 reps)
Interval cycling: 3x 6 mins
Calf raises: 3x 20 / 1-leg
Lunges on board: 3x 7 kg/hand (10 reps)

Must a. do bending and b. speed it up. The above took 1.5 hours and I'm supposed to do at least one more exercise. According to Mr Physio the sessions should be no longer than 1.5 hours ideally, and I agree. Today I felt I kept a decent pace though, so if I want to do jumps etc as well I need to cut out a lot of stuff - but so CJ said! Experimentation begins.

Was going to do a run tonight as well but doesn't look like it's happening. I promise at least one tomorrow instead. I'm going away again on Friday so need to squeeze in at least 4 sessions this week: 2 strength and 2 running (including 2 jumping(agility sessions), preferably before Friday. No pressure.

x

home session

Did a little session at home due to lack of gym card. Decent I guess.

Cycling warm-up
Lunges 3x 20
Skipping rope
Climbing motion 3x 20
Squat thrust 3x 15
Squat jump 3x 15

Tried some new things and found some limitations but will keep working on them. Gotta step it up now!

x

tennis!

Check me out. A whole HOUR of tennis played with brother tonight. Of course not full speed and as I have no idea how to play we're in a similar situation as with volleyball. I'm largely from a tennis family (dad beat Björn Borg in his glory days) and my grandmother and grandfather both played. No pressure.

Anyway, brother gave me creds for being "a lot better than expected - no, really!" so I'm happy. And the knee didn't give in or anything! Obviously didn't go all out and I felt it a little, but I could play a full hour. Must be happy with that. Also want to start playing now but naturally you need a partner. Japan...?

x

session

New session today and a little CJ interaction. Gosh, he's handsome.

10 mins cycling
Leg press: 90+92.5+92.5 kg (15 reps)
Leg curl_ 3x 30 kg
Leg extension: 3x 25 kg (15 reps)
Balance board
Bending
Squats: 3x 10kg +bar

CJ didn't just talk to me - he LEFT HIS PATIENT and came to me. I was doing squats and he said to the woman "I'm sorry, I just have to do something" and came over to adjust something for me. Then asked how it felt and explained etc. Aw. Realised I have to go back to Tokyo on Sunday and will not see him for another 5 months. Sad times indeed. Probably for the best, mind. This crush is getting out of hand. Oh CJ...if only you were 20 years younger and less married...

x

friskis

Went to the crappy gym again, for a run.

6 km, 35 mins
Bosu ball: front+side 3x 15 (left leg only)

Was pressed for time for the run was good and longer than my usual 30 mins. Also did some sprinting within it just to see I can still do it. I must admit, after the SATS proper session the knee has shaped up. It's still stiff etc but it feels better I think. Maybe the 'rest' is good. This week I'll try to run some more. Doing strength today at the physio gym, then planning runs outside as the weather is a bit milder. We'll see!

x

SATS

Went to the nicest gym I've been to so far in my life. And by that I don't mean the fancy-schmancy interior that is my Japanese gym but equipment-wise. It had everything I needed - including bosu ball, boxes to jump on and a huge area where I could do my jumping/coordination exercises! Might be going back here and getting a membership and everything. This kind of gym I like.

30 mins running: 5.05 km
Dot jumps: 2-leg / 1-leg 2x 25 / 3x 25
World jumps: 3x 4 laps
Obstacle jump into squat/box: 3x 20-ish

Felt like a lot more but about 20-30 minutes worth of jumping (just as physio ordered) and by the end the knee was dead as in painful. In one of the jumps it hurt a lot when I landed and after that it was never good again. Hopefully it'll be ok tomorrow.

The gym was also basically empty - perfect for my needs!

x

february 6 part II

Saw CJ today. Oh, the lovely one. Spent over an hour with him, talking about how it's been, what it's like now, and what the future holds. He was really nice. Basically:

- No reason to worry about the condition right now. It's very stable and no mechanic problems.
- I need to do more sporty stuff - to reach maximum level.
- Reduce strength to 1-2 times a week.
- I will always always always feel it. For the rest of my life I will feel discomfort in my knee. He feels his injury 20 years on.

So yay for not having to worry, but let me crawl up into a little ball for being reminded that I'm living a life sentence. 14, people, 14 years old. I seriously need to get over this now. But first let me mourn a bit more.

Hate.

x

february 6 part I

Training:

15 mins cycling
2x interval cycling
Leg press: 90 kg 3x 15
Leg curl: 30 kg 3x 10
Leg extension: 27.5+27.5+25 kg 3x 15
Balance board

Crap session but did some good I think.

x

CJ

Seeing CJ this afternoon. The lovely little creature (everything is forgiven) called me up and explained what happened last week.

Yii-haa!

x

friskis&svettis

Went to a gym here today. Oh, my, days, it was awful. I mean, I've been before and it's cheap and so on but full of either old people or too young people, and it's that kind of place where everyone knows who goes there so when an outsider steps in, it's noticeable. But screw them. They had some equipment I've been dying to use so all in all a decent session.

20 mins cycling
Leg press: 59+63+63 kg
Leg extension: 3x 32 kg
Squats: 15+25+25 kg
Bosu ball: 3x 15 reps /leg semi-jump
Single-leg squats: 3x 10 /leg
5-dot jumps: 3x 25 1-leg (+ 2-leg)
Hurdle jumps: 3x 10

1 ½ hrs but felt like I didn't get anything done. Did spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to use the bosu ball but hey, I'll be satisfied. Surprisingly the jumps felt ok, however not even close to normal of course. And my physio stood me up on Tuesday so still no verdict on the demise...

x

sweden training

At home at the moment and have realised I have no gym to go to. Whoops. Also realised how unfit I am (what I'm doing those 5 training sessions a week for I'm not sure). And as my physio stood me up on Tuesday I'm not in a peachy mind. Anyway.

1. Run: 5K, 30 minutes. In -10 and light snow, and dying lungs to say the least.

2. Mobility +
15 mins cycling
Box jumps: 3x 10
Lunges: 3x 10/leg
Lateral lunges: 3x 20
Calf raises: 3x 20/leg

Just some light stuff to keep knee moving. Will gym properly tomorrow. I hate this.

x

don't get it twisted

Like me. Yes, that's right. Gym today gave me a twisted ankle (left one, as in the injured side) as a little sprinkling of salt in the mental wound that was already exposed. Up until that point, however, training went fine.

Running: 30 mins, 5.13 km (1 stop)
Jumping drills:
1. 2-1-2: 2 legs, 1 leg, together = 25 each
2. Square jumps: together, 1 leg = 30 each
3. Side jumps: together, 1 leg = 30 each
4. Skater jumps: 2x 50
5. Jump down into squat: 1 leg = 30 reps
6. 2 hurdle jumps into squat: 1 leg = 2x 25 reps
7. Jumps 'around the world'= 2 leg, 1 leg = 20 reps each (twisted ankle happened here)
Bending: 2x

It's not too bad so I hope both knee and ankle recover soon, but the mental impact...so not what I needed right now!

x

let me exemplify

As I was browsing the web for training inspiration I came across a bunch of videos that now have made me completely break down into pure panic. This video is 4-5 months post-op. I'm 8 months and nowhere - I repat, nowhere! - near that level. Neither strength nor mental capacity allows for that speed or pressure.

Yes, yes, I know he's a guy, he's professional whatever, got all the right equipment, help etc - but still! We're talking HALF the rehab time! Of course nothing good will come out of giving up but this very moment I don't know what to do.

This year will conclude my 8th year in ACL rehab. Try that, then judge me.

x

...

Went to the gym to run. Should've run outside and done jumps etc but there you go. And then the dear old knee didn't cooperate at all. Simple bending was painful but I thought, hey, let's try. Fail. And then my mental capacity faltered as well. Did 15 minutes before I gave up. So far from good - and just realised it's 8-months-post-op today. Hello breakdown.

Today:

Cycling: 15+30+15 minutes
Running: 15 minutes, 2.3 km

Tried doing mobility exercises but it was too painful. What is WRONG? Contemplating painkillers double dose. I need to get good training in. Brilliant how I've planned 3 weeks without any work-out soon. I'm in trouble.

Jo x

seriously

Ok seriously now, guys. I'm worried. I know I usually alternate between highs and lows but at the moment it's so so painful on the inside and I don't know what I've done wrong.

I can't decide whether I've done too much or too little. And to be honest it's freaking me out.

Let's break it down.

I certainly haven't neglected strength. Been doing 2-3 sessions most weeks and all of them to my full capability.

Running has also been done properly. Physio gave me the option of aiming for 5K or 10K and I've done AT LEAST 5K each time, sometimes more.

I've done jumps and stuff too.

The only thing I can admittedly say I haven't done properly is sprinting intervals. A lot due to illness. Could that be enough to make it this bad? Sprinting hasn't felt good since December anyway and I've been scared to do it. But I've done high knees and all that.

If there's something I hate in this world, it's not knowing. And I don't know. I really don't. As I'm going home on Sunday I booked an appointment to see CJ (yay!) on Tuesday so hopefully he can either calm me down or crumble my world. I don't do well on grey zones, you may have noticed.

If this doesn't go well I don't know what I'll do...

x

thoughts

Like I've mentioned before the knee is pretty painful at the moment. I'm trying to figure out why.

True, I have been pretty still lately because of exams etc. It tends to get stiff then.
But I've had 5 sessions this week so it still gets it's attention.

True, I haven't been challenging it too much lately.
But surely that shouldn't make it worse? I'm still running and doing all the strength.

I'm thinking balance work is needed. Gosh I wish I had CJ here...

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22

Silly silly me forgot shorts and so had to run back home to get them and consequently didn't have as much time to run today. Like I said, I don't know where my brain went for vacation but it's far away it seems.

25 mins, 4.46 km
15-20 mins crosstrainer

It wasn't a completely smooth run and it was a little painful on the knee. Nevertheless, it was my third run this week so I'm seeing it as a bonus. Hopefully it won't be too cold tomorrow so I can go outside and do jumps etc.

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21st

Yesterday. Completely forgot. I don't know where my brain is these days.

10 + 15 mins cycling
Leg press: 3x 65 kg (15 reps)
Leg curl: 3x 39 kg (15 reps)
Leg extension: 3x 26 kg (15 reps)
Squats: 3x 20 kg (10 reps)
Ski jumps: 3x 40
Lateral lunges: 3x 20 (no weight)

Given how painful it was and how shit I felt, I have to content with this session. At least I did pretty much everything even if it wasn't at top level. There's something wrong with it, I'm telling you...

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More tips!

Given my recent discovery, another tip to ACL rehabilitation - keep up the balance work. Balance board and more dynamic exercises - do them! If you don't, it's going to get achy and far from optimal.

That's all. Good luck everyone!

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Had a run. And I've figured out what's wrong with the knee! - BALANCE! I tried 1-leg squats and it didn't work at all. At almost 8 months I should be able to. Gotta work on that from now on.

45 mins, 7.8km

It's ok.

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Knee hurts. Knee is stiff. Knee is non-cooperative.

Don't like it.

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run

5K, 30-ish minutes.

Over and out.
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ps. It's painful atm.

tip!

Tip for ACL reconstruction rehabilitations, first or second time:

when you get to the point where strength becomes less important, and running/similar is in focus - try to stop increasing resistance in the machines and increase repetitions instead. It will ease the pressure on your legs and allow you to develop speed/stamina instead. You'll still maintain muscle and build on that, but without killing your legs given all the work-out you're doing.

Perhaps it's obvious, but I found it helped me a lot.

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failfailfail

Gym attempt today and Mr Fever returned to the hoods. Fantastic fail session-wise but did some stuff at least.

10 + 15 min cycling
Interval cycling (x2)
Leg press: 3x 65 kg (15 reps)
Leg curl: 3x 32 kg (15 reps)
Leg extension: 3x 26 kg (15 reps)
Squats: 3x 20 kg
Balance work
Stretch

Body absolutely aching throughout and dizzy and stuff, so cut it a bit short and cycled instead. Always something. I need to kick this illness so I can get back in the game! Running tomorrow, mind...

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believe it or not

My left (operated) thigh is a whopping 0.5 cm thinner than the right (healthy) leg! I was going to put a picture up but my legs seriously look like I haven't done a day of sports in my life so I decided not to. Maybe later.

This is not a good report on my training, mind. They should be equal!

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run!

Made my run today. First proper session in a long time and even though my cough (once again) became worse afterwards, I'm happy with it. Details:

Effective running: 32 minutes (iPod says 7 km, but not a chance).
Stations:
1. Hurdle jumps (sideways) 3x 20
2. Running drills
3. Box jumps (1 leg) 3x 10

Found an awesome space for the running drills so could finally do them properly - and even high knees felt fine! Some pain during sprints but it feels ok now. The running itself felt so good! Was moving on clouds and at a rather high pace too throughout. Maybe it was the huge portion of pasta I had before, maybe I'm becoming fitter, I don't know. Something's changed for the time being and I shall be happy about it.

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fail!

Epic fail today.

First - note to self: REALISE that deadlifts are NOT GOOD! Knee is so bad again!

Secondly, I thought I'd try swimming. Turns out you need a swimming hat (the ones that make you look like a - ironically - hatless mushroom. Long story short, I don't have one and was limited to walking in the water. Which I did. For 30 mins. Doing high knees, sliding etc. Turns out knee didn't like it, so perhaps it was a good thing I didn't get to swim?

Boo.

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thursday

What a crappy session. Never got fully warmed up and so couldn't perform on top. Let's hope it was ok still. My own fault really - I'm moving towards a slump again!

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 75 kg (15 reps)
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg (15)
Squat: 20+25+25 kg (10)
Deadlifts: 3x 25 kg (10)
Lateral lunges: 3x 8 kg (20)
Bending: 3x

No ski jumps. I really need to get back to those! But there's hardly space to do them in the gym. Also have to do a proper outdoors session again with sprints etc. As soon as cold allows. More running this weekend though, and volleyball starts next week. It's annoying that I'm going down again - I was doing so well!

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gymgymgym

Ventured to the gym. Cold is better and I could do a bit more, but tried to hold back a little. As such:

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 75 kg (15 reps)
Leg curl: 3x 41.5 kg (15+12+12 reps)
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg (10 reps)
Lunges on board: 3x 10 / leg 6 kg/hand
Bending: 3x

Now pain on the side...felt it during lunges too but thought nothing of it. We'll see..

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monday

Ran yesterday and made my cold worse.

30 minutes
6.2 km (Nike+ iPod)

Dying, but gym awaits.

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back

Went to the gym so as to minimise the damage this week done by illness.

5K run in about 30 mins (or 6.2 km if Nike+ iPod gets a say...really need to calibrate that thing soon).
Balance work

Couldn't breathe but survived. Considering I'm going away for 3 weeks in about 1 ½ months I need to cram in a lot of training before that so here's hopefully to a good start. If only sickness could leave completely!

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in sickness and in health

Took two super painkillers and went to the gym after half a day in bed. Very light session but done at least.

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling (very very light)
Leg press: 3x 65 kg (15 reps)
Leg curl: 3x 32 kg (15 reps)
Leg extension: 3x 26 kg (15 reps)
Squats: 3x 20 kg (10 reps)
Lateral lunges: 3x 20 (5 kg)
Bending: 3x

Hopefully - hopefully! - I can do running this weekend but if the fever persists (like at the moment) I don't know if I should.

Just got the news that a friend tore pretty much everything there is to tear in his knee - such bad, bad news! Watch out, people! And all the best for recovery, AA.

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rest

Officially resting today. Hopefully I'll feel well enough tomorrow to venture on at least a gym session. Or maybe a short run. Think fever is leaving my body a little now.

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illness!

Oh no distaster has struck! I'm ill! Fever and cold both at once and I don't know what to do! Skipped training today and spent it shaking under blankets in bed, but I really can't afford to miss any training. Then again the knee gets really bad when I'm ill (which isn't often, hence my panic).

What do to, what to do? Last time I had the flu I kept on playing basketball and ended up being ill for 3 months and injuring my knee again (related or not, I don't know) so I'm a bit...well, indecisive here. Thinking if there is an easy version of training that I could do...

Boo!

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2012!

As always before everything falls apart again, the new year has me in high spirits. Accordingly, I went to the gym for a big session - and didn't break down once! How's that for improvement? Let's hope it continues.

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling (man, I really pushed it today!)
Leg press: 3x 75 kg (15 reps)
Leg curl: 3x 41.5 kg (15 reps)
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg (15 reps)
Squats: 20+25+25 kg (10 reps)
Lunges on board: 3x 10/leg 8 kg/hand
Lateral lunges: 3x 20 reps / 8 kg
Bending: 2x
Ski jumps: 3x 20

It felt good, and squats in particular - went deeper than usual. Legs hurt now, but I'll take that as a good sign! Happy 2012 everyone!

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2011

Yesterday was the final run of the year. As follows (according to Nike+ iPod):

7.1 km
34 mins
1. Hurdle jumps 3x 10
2. Stairs 3x3
3. Box jumps 3x 10

34 mins as in effective running time. Paused the work-out during stations. I doubt the distance - too short to cover that distance (at least for me). Anyway.

Happy new year!

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