done & dusted?

Today we reached a new low, friends. I went to the gym, too scared to run, but with enough guilt within to at least do a strength session.

Lately when I've been running I've felt in every step a strong sensation like it's going to fold. This creepy feeling has been accompanied by mental images of it twisting, and if this goes on for 40-60 minutes, you don't feel well.

So, strength. I went for leg press, felt a little pain but nothing too bad. Tried leg extension and it nearly gave way. That was it. I did some abs and cycling and went home to study for an exam, barely holding back tears.

As I was lying on the mats, semi-stretching semi-trying to maintain my calm, one thought floated in my mind: I'm so innerly and deeply and thoroughly tired. Then another struck, as I observed people running, doing squats, and generally keeping fit without any apparent worries (of course you never know): I hate you all. I'm so bitter, but I for a moment only entitled myself to feeling that resentment: I hate all you people who can do stuff, run, train, keep fit without having to worry like I do. I know a lot of people would consider me 'lucky' (but that's bs anyway) etc but I hate this situation. After the session I couldn't walk. All day I've treaded on egg shells, scared that it'll fold, and quite frankly it's been close a few times.

I can't play basketball, fair enough, but now I might have to consider stepping it down in the gym as well. It's like a one-way ladder where the only way is down. I'm not naturally skinny, I need to work out - but if I can't, then what? I'm already gaining weight. And if diet, and don't eat enough, I'll lose muscle in my legs and off we go on the evil circle again.

I'm so, so frustrated, because I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so helpless and insignificant and pathetic - whatever I do it ends up being thrown in my face one way or the other.

I'll ride out this part, in Japan. Post-Japan I'll have to deal with it and come to a decision, honestly. I cannot keep fighting a fight I cannot win. And if I can win it, I need to win it once and for all. Maybe I need to substantially refocus my life, a sort of Renaissance? Perhaps I need to give up further ambition and find other ways to spend my time than sportsy things? Maybe I now belong on the stands rather than in action, regardless of level? It hurts to think so, and I know I won't be able to live a full life without it, but we will have to see.

Without too much self-pity, my heart is breaking with this whole concept and now when it invades every single aspect and moment of my life, I can't escape. Only in my sleep and while writing can I think of something else. It pains me, and perhaps it has to. The never-ending story.

Rant over. For now.

x