In all honesty, I am now very very close on giving up. However, the difference from earlier threats of such action is that this time I really don't mean it in a self-destructive and potentially compromising way. No, not at all.
The hard fact is, the chance of full recovery for a first time ACL reconstruction is somewhere around 85-90%. We all know how what went and why. For a second reconstruction, the odds go down to 50%. In other words, it can go either way.
I think it's soon time for me to realise and accept that for me, this time as well, the odds went against me. Shit happens, and last time it was a human mistake - this time, statistics simply weren't in my favour. It's not necessarily disastrous, and I'm not wallowing in my typical self-pity here, no. It's a simple observation that I'm over 12 months post-op, I'm doing (and have done) the best I can but it's not getting any better.
I shall of course continue training, and sometimes it'll feel good, but perhaps most often not. My sporting days were over from before anyway, and to be fair, as long as I eat properly it does function fairly well on a daily basis. Might not be able to do that marathon I've sort of been considering lately, but I guess there are worse fates to come by.
Does it make me sad? Yes, a little. But I can't go on fooling myself forever, letting every moment of my life go to trying to fix it, or plan ways to fix it, dreaming about things to do. Somewhere I need to find a way to let it go, let it be the eternal part of me as it will be, but place it in the backseat rather than in front of the wheel. It's not a particularly good driver.
No official decisions set in stone yet, but it is certainly the way I'm headed. Should you have any comments/advice here, whoever you are, please feel free to drop them in the comment box below. I don't trust myself anymore.
x
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