the imminent end

I've decided that the soon-to-be-non-end to this whole shebang in a month is both good and bad. Surprised? Well, let me explain.

Bad because:
- it somehow, in a twisted sense, gives me a purpose in life.
- it allows me the benefit of a doubt, and the hope that I haven't yet reached the top level.
- it's all I know. What will I do after?
- it won't be the end, even if I pretend it is.
- running out of time.

Good because:
- the end! 8 years can finally, finally, be concluded.
- even if I'm not at the level I should be, the time pressure is off. No longer will I sit there at the 25th of each month thinking 'crap, only X months left'. No, no, I'll still mark every 25th and think 'crap, X months have passed' but the time constraint will be off.
- I can help my brain readjust to a normal knee and a normal life. No excuses from then on, and I can assume I'm healthy. Freedom.

Except I don't think I'll ever be 100% fine. My mind is so used to this now - 8/22 years! - so either it'll take years and years to recover mentally, or I never will.

4 weeks left, and as always I'm torn between joy and despair. I was never good with goodbyes. Then again, I guess this one is more of a greeting of sorts. A welcome back to my friend, my partner - my knee.

x