crackling

It's crackling. Is it because I haven't done enough, because I have done too much, or is it just normal?

Argh!

x

2011

2011 is soon come to an end, so let's recap (mostly in knee terms).

January - Still in blissful ignorance about what needs to be done.

February - Starting to realise it's not going anywhere. Contacting surgeon in England.

March - See surgeon. Do MRI and x-ray and CT-scan. My friend tears her ACL too. Find out the truth about the first surgery, that he made a mistake. Deciding to try and sort it out; forced to contact Norwegian physio (by said friend).

April - Fly to Norway to see physio, onwards to Sweden to see another surgeon. Come in contact with a third surgeon through Norwegian physio. Told at first that there is no way to have surgery before summer unless I want to pay a fortune. Getting ready to pay.

Late April - Get a date for surgery, by the end of May. Ready to pay £5000 for it.

May - Find out the cost will be covered. Happiness. Finish exams, fly to Sweden for surgery. Literally going straight from the airport to hospital.

June - Back home, in bed, in the same situation as 6 years earlier. Still in high hopes. My friend has her surgery.

July - Getting rid of crutches.

August - Physio, physio, physio and loving every moment with CJ.

September - Starting to run and go for check-up at hospital. Told to stop limping. Worried. Fly off to Japan.

October - Training is tough. Setback after setback. Bearing it.

November - More setbacks, but running is going well. E-mailing physio. This is where my mental capacity starts to break down. Start to play volleyball.

December - 7 months post-op. Worried.

Let's hope for 2012.

x

to kawasaki and back

Surprised myself and actually went for a run today. As the gym is closed I have to do outdoors stuff, and when the weather gets cold I like to stay inside. Not a good combo. After hours and hours in front of my computer, trying to write essays, eating noodles by the bucket and so on (read: standard Thursday) I decided to take a walk before it got dark. Not a run - I was way too tired for that - but a walk to get some fresh air and at least a little movement. Just like so many times before, the 'walk' immediately turned into a run. Why? I have magical running trousers. It is impossible to walk in them. Results according to Nike+ iPod:

51 mins 35 secs
10.57 km

Now, I highly doubt the distance - I do not run that fast. Time is accurate though. I took the street way today and so had to stop quite a few times for red lights, but I paused the work out during these stops so effective running time is as stated above. Regardless of the actual distance covered, I will be happy with that.

Good lady.

x

f as in fail

Went to the gym in high spirits. Left it, as most often, in despondency. Somehow I can't quite keep my mood up through the whole session and I end up panicking about ridiculous worries that I'm not doing enough which, ironically, disturbs my training.

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 75 kg (15 reps)
Leg curl: 3x 41.5 kg
Leg extension: 26+28.5+28.5 kg
Squats: 3x 25 kg
Bulgarian squats: 3x 10 /leg
Bending: 2x

Should have done more I realise now, but had no more time (my own fault of course) and at the end I was mentally dead. Will try and push harder in running. The gym is closed now for 4 days so it'll be outdoors for me with my Nike +iPod and jumping etc. Happy days...

x

back in the gym

Did my run yesterday, despite some pain before. In fact, it felt a lot better afterwards and had I not been under some time pressure, I could have run further. Only one stop due to earphone malfunction.

5 km - just under 28 mins
Some stretching.

Still swollen and achy, and at 7 months I can't but help to wonder...

x

7 months

Officially entered into my 7th month of rehabilitation now. Time flies?

After the Christmas trip of 5 days, the knee is crap, crap, crap. 8 hours bus ride did not do me any favours and it's crackling like there's no tomorrow. Will be going to the gym later on to try and rectify. I haven't neglected training, not at all, so hopefully it'll be better soon.

x

3+4/4

Week's sessions done. As follows today:

Running: 5 km 28 mins (5.96 km according to iPod....)
Leg press: 3x 75 kg
Leg curl: 3x 41.5 kg
Leg extension: 26+28.5+28.5 kg
Squats: 20+20+25 kg
Bulgarian squats: 3x 10/leg
Bending: 3x

Yep, that's it. No ski jumps or interval cycling but it's ok. It's ridiculously swollen and achy today so I think the session is enough. Now 5 days rest await (going away) and hopefully we can be back with a boom next week! I'm planning to deal with my life, see. Sunday will also mark 7 months post-op.

Anyway, trip means a little break in blogging, and I shall be back Tuesday.

Merry Christmas ACLers and all the best for your knees!

x

nike + ipod

As a Christmas gift I got the Nike + iPod little machine thing that you put in your shoe + iPod and it measures your work-out. It only so happened that my shoes were Nike+ shoes and my iPod is a nano, so the little machine was all that was missing.

In other words, now there is no denial or delusion - I will know exactly how far and how long I am running. Good, bad, I don't know - depends on if you're talking about sanity or actuality.

On a similar note, I also got some serious earphones that hopefully will make my running life a tad easier. As it is, I spend more time pushing my current ones in than anything else. First trial session will be today in my monster session.

So sleepy.
x

2/4

Did the running. Well done for that. Took 1hr45mins. Not very good. It should be 1.5 hrs max. But nonetheless, it's done and I did all 5 stations as well so I have to be content-ish with that. Still convinced there's something wrong with me. It's not even THAT tough - how can I be so lazy/reluctant?

Running: 3-4 km (I think)
1. Hurdle jumps: 1 leg (3x 10) + 2 legs (3x 20)
2. Sprints: high knees, karaoke, accelerated sprint, backwards, backwards+turn sprint
3. Stairs: 3x 3 (long ones)
4. Intervals: 10 sec x 30
5. Box jumps: 3x 10 (high)

Perhaps it's true that if you really want something, you'll find a way. However, during the run (and partly why it went so badly) I started thinking about why I'm doing all this. Yes, to get a healthy knee, to live a normal life blabla - what is a normal life? I will never be able to ski, basketball is out of the picture, and what else is there that I'd like to be able to do? Sure, I do appreciate being able to go out dancing without having to twist it, and running to the train without really having to worry about it, but still...in a situation where motivation should be a given, I fail to find it.

It can't be normal.

x

dead - lifts

Silly silly me. Did deadlifts yesterday as my hamstring exercise, thinking that it was ok and now thighs are dying. Not in a good way, I don't mind the good way, but in an over-trained, painful way. People of the ACL world - be careful with deadlifts!

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 75 kg
Leg extension: 26+28.5+28.5 kg
Squats: 20+25+25 kg
Lunges on board: 8 kg/hand
1-leg jumps: 3x 10/leg
Bending: 3x

Time constraint (this took 1½ hours) had me finish there, but it's a decent work-out I think. As the knee was sore and achy (especially after the jumps) I decided not to do ski jumps. Have to do a run today/tomorrow with sprints etc as well, so I'm thinking it was a good decision. Dear, I hate the outdoors running, and in 5 degree weather too!

I just don't see this working out you know?

x

sunday

Ok, so Sunday. Final day of the week and one more session to go. After having spent 8 hours doing my essay, watching tv-shows, sleeping, and generally just stayed in my room, suppressing the fact that the run awaited, I actually told myself to get a f-ing grip and go do it. I had no excuse. Except it was really cold outside so I went to the gym instead.

5 km = 28 min

So no jumps, no sprints, mostly because of time issues. Yes, it was my fault for leaving so late, but I also figured that the basketball session probably took its toll on the knee, and so a pure run would suffice. And guess what - I didn't stop once! Probably because I'd had quite a lot of carbs (rice and noodles) during the day, with very little activity, and so plenty of energy to spare.

I know it's silly. 5 bloody km in 28 fricking minutes without stopping and I'm happy. Nonetheless, given the past weeks' disastrous nature I will accept this win for now.

x

strengthened

Strength session, despite some soreness from basketball. Still on painkillers, so I hope I didn't do too much because I couldn't feel all the pain...remains to be seen. Anyway, the session felt ok during and after even if it hurt before. Better than the opposite I suppose.

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 75 kg (bit painful)
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg
Leg curl: 41.5+44+44 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg
Split squat: 3x 10/leg
Bending: 4x

No ski jumps, as that might have put unnecessary strain after the huge effort that was basketball. Have only done one proper strength session this week, and that's probably all I'll do. Not ideal of course, but volleyball counts as one, and basketball will have to do so too. One more running session to go.

x

basketballing

So it was time. Finally. Basketball. Keio Mustangs was going to get a visit from Swedish super star (ha!) JoJo Svensson. Well, they did. And I realised a few things. But first, let me say that the knee coped. Obviously I was super careful and tried to stay out of any unnecessary confrontations. After 7 years I have developed a distinct style in this manner. Now knee is swollen + under ice but I'll take it as a positive step nonetheless.

To my realisations.
1. I'm not good anymore. Not that I ever was amazing, but not having touched a basketball for 7 months clearly damaged my skills. Airballs all over the place (although I got a couple of good shots, including a 3-pointer) and generally struggling to play. This is ok I suppose.

2. Basketball isn't as fun as I hoped. I had these sky-high expectations of how amazing it would feel to finally be back in my hoods, my homelands. But it wasn't. Perhaps because I couldn't play properly, or because I couldn't really communicate with the people (they spoke very little English), but that burning fire within was lacking. This realisation leads me to the final, and most important one...

3. Basketball isn't my hood anymore. Of course I had decided to quit already, and I stand by that, but some part of me still hoped to find a home, a familiar place, within the game. As this feeling did not occur, I think it is over for good. Maybe this was the closure I needed. Now I'm quitting by my own decision, not one made for me. Even though they are of course intertwined.

I don't know if this is my current state of mind speaking, but I think I can eventually move on from basketball. I'll be that old lady who has 12 cats (or in my case, pugs) and talks about her glory days as a young promising basketball player, dropping 3-pointers here and there. Of course my 'promising career' ended in 2004 but I had a good run after that. Don't get me wrong, I will still mourn this loss.

Moving on might be possible and necessary, but that doesn't mean it gets any easier. The only positive aspect now is that I don't have to think "what if?" - and in my opinion, that's a big one. Over and out.

x

running

Did a run today. Not a good one. Not even close. I'm getting worried. To be fair, the first 3 stops were due to intense strain in my calves. I don't know what's wrong with them or if my running technique is odd but something is up! They were rock hard and near on cramping. The 4th stop was because I was sort of out of breath. Bloody hell. I used to love running but now the very thought of it makes me want to die. So:

5K - ca 28 mins
4 stops/pauses.

x

beyond stupid

I went to the gym this morning, fully determined to do a 5K run before class. Not epically pumped, but ready to do the work. What happens? I've been stupid enough to forget shorts. Because of the lack of time I had the choice of either run in jeans hotpants or take a shower and leave. I did the latter.

Fully determined (again) to run in the afternoon, I did my errands and then got told by a friend that we have an exam tomorrow I did not know about. Great. No running today. At all.

I have beating myself up about it all day but in the end it doesn't matter. I'm gymming tomorrow and Friday (to complete 3 sessions) and I will run Friday or Saturday + Sunday to make 2 sessions, so it's all good. But I'm so stupid.

x

ps: decided to play basketball tomorrow. Make or break I couldn't say no. I'll feel stupid with knee + running shoes but yes, not a chance I'm turning it down. For once I'll feel at home. Boy, it'll be good. Please, knee, cope, please!

volleyballing + basketballing

More volleyball today. Never made it to the gym before as planned, but got to play quite a lot in practice so I think it's ok. Knee feels ok-ish, only a little stiff.

And there is the question: should I go to the basketball session on Thursday?
Pros: it would be so much fun, I could feel 'at home'; good work out
Cons: I don't have basketball shoes anymore and would feel a little 'out', I don't know if the knee would cope with such stress, it could make me want to go back to playing even more at a point where I'm sort of starting to move on a little bit.

So what do we think? Yay, or nay?

x

finally...

...got my ass sorted out and did my run. Although a fail, as all lately. It was a small victory in itself, doing it at all (I even skipped a meeting to do it) but it was a victory in a battle that should never have been fought in the first place. So:

Running 3-4 km (if even that far)
1. Hurdle jumps: 3x 20 front + 3x 20 side
2. Stairs: (2x normal length) 3x 3 runs
3. Box jumps: 3x 10
4. Sprints: 10 sec intervals

All in all about an hour. I'm back on double dose painkillers so it felt ok, and they do really help. Perhaps I needed the rest as well, I don't know, but I need to get back on track (I keep saying that...). This is not good.

x

monster

Had a monster strength session (body-wise, not knee-wise) yesterday. As follows:

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling (lvl 19)
Leg press: 3x 75 kg
Leg extension: 28.5+26+26 kg
Leg curl: 3x 44 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg + 10 reps
Lunges on board: 3x 6 kg/hand
Bending: 3x
Ski jumps: 3x 40 (don't like these anymore. they give me nothing)

Then lots and lots of arm stuff. I figured that if I'm going to be big, I might as well be big and muscly rather than big and fat.

Knee is currently is kind of bad pain, especially in the front. I don't know if it's because my running has been bad lately, or if the volleyball was too much. It's difficult to know, and I still did the running, even if I stopped every now and then. Have a session tomorrow with jumps and so on, but at the moment I'm just feeling as if it becomes worse and worse. And I'll be honest: it's tough, it's real tough. Maybe I should go back on painkillers again. I just don't know. Mr Physio hasn't replied either so I don't want to send another message to him. And what can he do anyway?

I'm 6 ½ months in - should it really be this bad?

x

volleyball 2.0

Had my second attempt at volleyball today. It ges a lot easier, and a hell of a lot more fun, when you understand the game. I'm not going to label myself an expert of any kind, but I did get a better grasp of strategy/system today and could play a little better than before. I particularly enjoy blocking people, which is much easier in volleyball than basketball.

But to knee-related things. Even though volleyball does not include any particular physical contact during the game, it does entail a lot of jumping and you have to be prepared to move in any direction at any time. I don't think about the knee that much while playing, but I'm sure I do take care subconsciously. So far (knock on wood) no incidents, not even any almost-incidents, so it's ok. That gym session this morning really helped me get back in mobility and so on, and prepared me for sporty practice.

So for now, for tonight, I shall feel somewhat content.

x

Salina

Reply to a comment here on the blog (the first from an unknown reader!)

Salina,
Thank you for your comment! I see figures and stats on who's reading, but I rarely get to know who you are! I'm glad you find the blog useful :) I know as I was going into this surgery (not to talk about the first one, but that was back in the day - 2005 - before blogging became a 'thing'. Gosh, I'm old...) I would have liked to have something like this to refer back to, even if every rehab is different.

And please don't take my recent depressing posts too seriously. If you are going in for your first ACL reconstruction, you'll be fine :) Yes, it will suck a lot of the time, and yes, it will be boring. But you can still go back to whatever activity you like to do, and with a little luck you can continue/work towards practising it at a high level. Also if you're using a hamstring graft, the first 2 months will be tough but after that it's just go-go-go! With the patella it's usually a long drawn-out fight, but with an easier beginning.

Good luck! And please let me know how it goes. If you have any questions at all, or want to share your story (maybe you'll set up a blog?!) e-mail me at ladypretentious@gmail.com. It's always nice to have someone who's been there, someone who knows.

Jo x

ps. and don't worry. The surgery itself is the best part: being sedated and then people taking care of you. Sort of the calm before the epic storm that is to come. But all storms calm down eventually, and you just gotta ride it out :)

session 1

I'm volleyballing tonight, but as I'm a lazy bastard and in a dire recession knee-wise, I decided I'd take a strength session as well. However, modified.

10 mins cycling
Leg press: 3x 75 kg (10 reps)
Leg extension: 3x 26 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg
Deadlifts: 3x 20 kg (20 reps)
Lateral lunges: 3x 5 kg
Ski jumps: 3x 40
Bending: 4x

As you can see, not an epic session but enough I believe. Mostly shortened by time constraint + a wee mental breakdown in the leg curl. Hopefully the deadlifting is enough for the hamstrings. Got a 3-hr volleyball session tonight (although it's mostly sitting down to be honest) so let's see how that goes.

I'm not sure about volleyball though. It's just not basketball, if you know what I mean.

x

the point of no return?

It's stiff and painful and the mobility is bad. Have I gone too far? Is this the point of no return I was subconsciously seeking?

If so, what do I do? 

What the hell am I doing? If I don't sort out this knee now, I'm doomed for life. I'm doomed anyway of course, but I'd be ever more doomed. I do have a confession to make: I don't believe it will heal. Over 7 years now it's been bad, and I was 14 when it happened. Sure, I can remember games and trainings before that (particularly in the immediate time before) but other than that I really can't remember what it's like having a knee you don't have to worry about. And, yes, even if it does heal, I will always and forever have to worry about it - keeping up training etc. It is a life sentence.

I guess it's been stuck at a plateau now for a while, maybe because I'm not doing rehab right, or because that's just the way it goes, but either way it causes me to despair. Then again of course I have no choice but to continue. It's just one of those moments. The best advice I've had so far in this crap hole is this:

Your knee doesn't know any difference between happy training-loving Jo and "I FUCKING HATE THIS FUCKING TRAINING BLEURGH" Jo. As long as you're doing it, you're winning!
(Tony, I will give you a proper reply to your very much appreciated pep talk. Very sorry for the delay.)

And it's true, of course it's true. Nevertheless, I imagine I try less if I'm in the former state of mind, and therefore it will give less effect. But who am I to question myself? Bottom line: I just don't know, and that's killing me. I'm one of those who would rather die painlessly than to go through severe pain and maybe survive in a plane crash. Exactly: one of the Quitters. Might come as a surprise for some, but that's the truth. 

That's it for now. I'm off to my classes where I learn nothing simply because I don't try hard enough.

x 

...

Did my run. Fail as always. But done.

3-4 km running + stations:
1. Hurdle jump front (3x 20); side (3x 10)
2. Sprints (high knees; karaoke; backwards running; accelerated sprint; turn sprint)
3. Stairs 3x 5
4. Jumps 3x 10
5. Sprints 30x 10 sec

Walked quite a bit of the way, and felt some pain during drills. But I'm counting it. Can't afford not to.

x

doubts

I can't do it. I swear I can't.

x

friday

More strength.

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 75 kg (15 reps)
Leg curl: 3x 44 kg
Leg extension 3x 26 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg (bar)
Lunges on board: 5 kg/hand
Ski jumps: 3x 40
Bending: 4x
Calf raises: 3x 20

Knee is rather stiff and painful at the moment, probably because I'm sitting still a lot. Should try and do some mobility work I think. + Got one running session this weekend but it's pouring down. What to do? Hopefully it'll clear up, but otherwise I suppose the gym will have to do. Also I'm getting chubby. Quite an achievement when working out 4-5 a week. Only me. Bah.

x

trying

Trying to get back in the game now. Something's happened in the last couple of weeks. I don't know if it's laziness, mental breakdown, or simply a normal slump, but something's wrong. Therefore, little by little I will attempt to find the spark again. Not overly confident but I don't have a choice.

Running: 5 km (28min 30sec)
5+5 mins cycling

x

strength

Wednesday's session was a standard strength one. I need to get back on track somehow, and therefore I'm pulling back on my ambitions a little (at least until CJ replies to my e-mail asking for a plan for the coming 2 months) and going back to his recommendations.

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 75 kg
Leg curl: 3x 44 kg
Leg extension: 3x 26 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg bar
Calf raises: 3x 10 / leg
Lunges on board: 3x 5 kg/hand /leg
Bending: 3x
Ski jumps: 3x 40

Need to sort myself out and find that inner strength before it's too late. In the midst of celebrations for my efforts, I forgot how far I still have to go. I'm only halfway there.

x

reality check?

Is this one of those reality checks? Is it a sign I'm slipping, not only mentally, but physically?

I have a confession to make: I'm terrified.

x

reply!

We have a reply, people! And now my insides feel funny. I know this feeling, and it's not a good one.

Positive: my test result shows 88%, and at this point it should be between 80-95% so it's normal, but not epic. Furthermore, he says 'good job!'

Negatives: He says I probably demand too much of the knee with my new exercises and that I should pull back a little, and focus on running. Finally he says that this part now is the one where I would need a physio the most, but "hopefully it'll be ok" - HOPEFULLY? 7 ½ years of this shit sort of makes me want a little more than HOPEFULLY. HOPE isn't really on my side, is it CJ???

FML.

Yes, yes I know he says I'm within normal limits but I think I was expecting more. I wanted him to say it's better than anything he's ever seen and just keep doing what you're doing and you'll be fine. As always I expect too much. Nevertheless, my confidence in this process just sank to the bottom, and I'm - again - convinced it won't get well this time either. Of course will continue with training etc but this was definitely a blow I did not need right now. Frick!

x

waiting

CJ has not replied to my e-mail. I can't decide whether that's a good or a bad sign.

x

blah

Just did my belated run and it was crap. Of course glad I finished it, but crap crap crap.

3-5 km running:
1. Jumps: 
1-leg 3x 10
2-leg hurdle jump: side 3x 10 / front 3x 10
2. Running drills 3x 30m each
High knees
Accelerated sprint
Karaoke
Backwards running
Backwards running + turn + sprint
3. Jumps 2
2-leg box jump 3x 10
4. Sprint 30x 10 sec

I know it looks good on paper, but I didn't keep the running going, and I skipped the stairs + shortened the route. Mostly because of time, but also because of a slight pain + I'm probably volleyballing tonight. Meh.

x

CJ

Had to e-mail CJ about my test results and I gave him a smiley, yes indeed I did! Oh, how wonderful my life would be if he sent me one back...

Also, I keep having 'day nightmares' about me accidentally telling him about the blog. My mind comes up with different scenarios, all as equally innocent to begin with, which then turn into me telling him about it, and all that comes with it. Allow me to illustrate. This one was the first one:

[ME taking photos of the figurines in the gym. Enter CJ.]

CJ: What you doing there?
ME: Oh, it's for my blog.
CJ: You have a blog about your rehab?
ME: Yeah, it's all about training and this place.
CJ: Can I see it?
ME [to myself]: DAMN!

Lately I've developed it a little, and made it more credible.

CJ: Are you keeping track of your training?
ME: Oh, yes I keep a diary.
CJ: Can I see it?
ME: It's all on my blog - [to myself] DAMNIT!

Awkwardness ensues.

x

saturdays

Big session today, for some reason. Also did my 6-month test. I have no idea how it went, and shall send the results to Mr Physio tonight. Hopefully will have a reply early next week. It was an easy test: 3x 1-leg jumps per leg. I measured the distance and based on the difference between left/right leg, Mr Physio will tell me how I'm progressing. Without knowing what I can expect I must say I'm not too happy. Will Google a bit and see if I can find any indication of what it should be like. Anyway, today:

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling (lvl 20)
Squats; w/o bar +20+25+25+30 kg (10 reps)
Bulgarian (split) squat: 3x 10
Lateral lunge: 3x 10/leg
Tried rotational lunge - no no.
Romanian deadlifts: 25+25+30 kg (10 reps)
Calf raises: 4x 10
Bending: x2
Leg press: 3x 75 kg (10 reps)
Leg curl: 3x 44 kg (10 reps)
INCREASE! Leg extension: 3x 26 kg (10 reps)

Feeling a lot more confident with leg extension now, despite the slow start.Only wish I could do Rotational lunges as well...but I suppose all in good time. Lateral are still a little painful and today's session had me experience some good pain on the side again. Will have to mention that to CJ. It worries me a little to be honest.

Also gave myself my 6-month treat today: all you can eat in 80 mins cake buffet! As I'm trying to be healthy generally, I thought this could be a good treat. Turns out (as I always realise in these situations) that I don't like cake all that much. Pastry is ok and brownie/chocolate cake is always a hit. Other than that -meh. So now I'm considering, for my hobby, to take up serious training. I'm talking the whole thing - protein shakes/bars, weight lifting etc. It would be good for the knee. But as my legs are getting bigger and bigger and bigger with every session (they are rock hard!) I'm also feeling my femininity decrease just as much. Hm.

x

6 months!!!

Today is a big, big, BIG day. 25 November officially marks 6 months post-op and I am half-way through the total rehabilitation time. This day brings about a lot of different emotions, but I shall focus on the good ones.

How to celebrate?

Today's training consisted of 7 km (!) running (about 50 mins, so very slow), balance work, and bending. Despite the slow pace I'm quite happy because it's been a while since I ran that far, and I went in thinking I'd run 5, maybe 6K. So happy lady.

Tomorrow I'm planning to do the big 6-month test, and Sunday will see another run/interval/jumping session. As always I should not have postponed it to the end of the week, but hopefully it'll be ok. This test also means I will have to e-mail CJ! Happy days.

Before I decided I'd treat myself to something by 6 months, but I honestly don't know if I have the money. Maybe my treat will be a properly planned holiday...?

x

good? bad?

Another one of those 'I don't know' sessions. Did loads but didn't feel like a great effort, except the pain, pain, pain.

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 75 kg
Leg curl: 3x 44 kg
INCREASE! Leg extension: 19+26+26 kg
Squats: 3x 25 kg (10 reps)
Deadlifts: 3x 25 kg (10 reps)
Lunges on board: 3x 5 kg/hand
Lateral lunges: 3x 5 kg/hand
Bending: 4x
1-leg squat: 1x 10 (too painful)
Calf raises: 10+20+20 reps

Side of the knee acting up during squats. Bit worrying. Now aching too, but I'll see how it develops until tonight/tomorrow. Not sure it should hurt like this, but can't do much now. I did all the usual things so maybe it's just temporary. Saturday I will do the 6-month test. More about that then.

x

tomorrow

Tomorrow is a huge day. It marks 6 months post-op and officially half-way through rehabilitation. Now this is of course a positive thing, however there are certain aspects holding me back from wild celebrations.

Firstly, half-way through? I don't trust me knee for nothing, and I certainly couldn't play any sports. Volleyball is barely ok, but the thought of basketball freaks me out. Not that I'll play properly again, but you know.

Secondly, how do I proceed with training? My physio says do more normal stuff - but how/what/where? Sure, the gym has classes but all in Japanese and I'm too scared to go alone. What if I break down after 10 minutes?

Thirdly, I don't know. It seems both too good to be true that my knee would finally finally get well, and I just don't see it happening, and it seems strange that it wouldn't. After all I had the top of the top surgeon in Sweden stitch it together, and I have been (relatively) solid on training. Then again we are talking about me. I'm sort of magic. I can make anything blow up in pieces.

Of course there is nothing else to do except go to the gym, work out, run, play volleyball and wait and see. I skipped Disneyland today to gym so it better be worth it.

x

dying

My body is dying. Yesterday's training session must have taken more energy than expected because my back, chest, abs, legs and calf are all dying of pain. Technically should have done a proper gym session today but decided to go and do a light one and hopefully restore my muscles. I think I may have made it worse. It's one of those times when you can't imagine ever feeling well again!

30 mins cycling
Balance
Bending
10 mins crosstrainer
10 mins cycling

Not quite at crosstrainer level yet. Almost 6 months...is this normal?

x

2 hours

Managed 2 hours running work out. Not as amazing as it sounds, but I think I'll be happy. Knee hurts a little bit but I'm not surprised. I pushed it to the edge today. Here:

Total distance covered: ? (I'd guess around 4-5 km)
Stop 1: Jumping
1-leg: 2x 10 +20 reps
2-leg: 2x 20 front + 3x 20 side
Hurdle
2-leg: 2x 10 front; 3x10 side
Stop 2: Running drills
3x ca 20 m each:
High knee drill
Knee-kick
Sideway 'karaoke' running drill
Backwards running
Accelerating sprint
Stop 3: Stairs
5x 5 laps ca 10 steps
Stop 4: Intervals
30x 10 seconds (stopped to rest every once in a while)
Also: brief stop to test jumping skills on a higher 'box'. Good result.

As you can see, not a whole lot of running per se, but I did run between stops and in all fairness I think I have to start doing these things. Knee hurts like hell now but I'll smack on some painkiller gel and take it easy. Tomorrow is gym session again and I'll refrain from any jumping exercises. More squats and balance will be done. I also realise that yes, I will have to do serious running at some point, and yes, I will have to increase the distance in these drills above. But for now, let's be content shall we?

x

losing it

I'm losing it. Soon I really have to find my way back on track. The path I'm on right now will only lead to more misery and worse conditions to get back up on the road. And yet I keep pursuing this road because, right now, it's the easy one to take. And it's strange because I know how it will end, and it's not pretty. Still I go forward, forward.

I'm out for a run. Not motivated whatsoever and I wish I could stay in. I guess I wish I wasn't so lonely in this whole thing. 3 I's in that sentence. I can share my success and I can share my setbacks, but ultimately I'm on my own. Perhaps that's life. Or perhaps that's me.

This is a slump, I know that. Someone told me that "it's a phase." Sadly I don't have time for phases like these right now, and this has been going on for longer than a slump ever has before. It's been a month and all around me I see thing after thing fall apart: physical and more abstract.

The scariest part is that I hardly care anymore. I know I've given up (or am on the verge to do so) and not much moves me these days. This state of mind allows for no penetration or influence. But of course time moves on without regard for any of this. I guess that's the basic problem. Imagine if you could freeze time for a while. How splendid it would be. But no.

Those are my thoughts right now, 21 November, 3.07pm. And now I'll go for that run. Will be trying some intervals + running backwards/sideways + hopefully some jumps etc if I can find a suitable place.

x

saturday

I can't get myself to run 10K. I just can't. I hope it doesn't jeopardise anything.

5 km running (lvl 10-12) 29 mins
Jumping:
1-leg - 3x 10/leg
2-leg - 3x 30 forward + 3x 30 sideways
Stretching

After the jumping my knee did not want to play anymore so I decided it was time to quit for the day. Running felt ok in the knee, but I get serious back pain from it. Don't know what to do...

x

denial

Having gone through the 5 stages of grief a couple of times in the past 7-8 years, I find myself back at denial. I tell people I play (present tense) basketball, I e-mailed the basketball circle here at Keio, and I'm looking at basketball gear, wanting to get it. When am I going to realise - once and for all - that I'm not playing anymore, and never will?

Sometimes, in my darker hours, I think about the knee and sure, I want it to get good and healthy - but what for? If I don't play basketball, what am I going to do? I need to find a way to live without it and I thought I had, but apparently not. It's like they say: you don't know what you have until you lose it. Well, that's not entirely true. In the past couple of years I knew what I had, and I appreciated it. Maybe that's the conclusion you need to reach before it being snatched away from you? At least I had my university year where I could end while on top, winning more or less everything, and redeeming my bad younger years; finally playing the game I always wanted to play.


I got a piece of my dream - that's more than most people can hope for. Can I then be greedy enough to mourn I didn't get the whole cake?

x

gym

Another session. Not sure if it was good, but it is done. Got 2 more running sessions this week - ie today and tomorrow. Bah.

10 mins cycling
Leg press: 3x 75 kg
Leg extension: 19+19+21.5 kg
Leg curl: 41.5+41.5+43 kg
Squats: 3x 25 kg
Calf raises: 3x 10
Deadlifts: 3x 25 kg
Lateral lunges: 3x 5 kg
Bending: 4x
Interval cycling

Didn't have time for more and it took over 1½ hours so gotta take it as a good sign. I don't know, but my feeling is that now, around 6 months and onwards, strength sessions are about challenging the knee and maintaining the muscle I've built up. Therefore I will keep exploring different kinds of squats, lunges and jumps. And keep up the running, which is not what I'm doing now...

x

experimenting

I'm not sure if today's session was good or not. It was an experiment of sorts. I consulted my old PT about exercises that require more coordination/control of the knee and he gave me a brilliant website to a guy (I'll post link at some point), and it gave me plenty of inspiration. It also made me aware of how far I still have to go until I'm finished (if I ever will be). Sometimes when the knee feels good I think back and congratulate myself on how far I've come - and with right! - but I must never forget to also go forward. Long story/stream of consciousness short, I decided to skip volleyball and try some of the exercises. As follows:

10 mins cycling
Leg extension: 19+19+21.5 kg
1-leg squats: 3x10 /leg
Lateral lunges: 3x10 /leg
Interval cycling
Bending x1
Jumps on box:
1-leg: 3x 10 /leg
2-leg: 3x20
Deadlifts: 3x 10 (20+30+30 kg)
Balance pad: warm-up

Not much from the original programme there...and with the knowledge and mental notes I made today I will try and stitch together a fusion of old and new to challenge the knee more. More 1-leg work, jumps, and coordinated stuff.

On a sidenote, it must have been amusing for people to watch me try to do the 1-leg jumps...oh my. I'm so scared, and I do not trust my knee to watch my cat, so each jump took me about a minute to prepare for, including one or two tries before I actually managed to leave the ground. Anyway, I'm sure it'll get better.

At the moment it's swollen and perhaps I shouldn't have taken on so much new stuff at once. Just got excited. I'll give myself a pat on the back for this one. Just for looks.

x

getting lost

Lazy me decided that if I did the intervals I could do a shorter run today. Karma disagreed. I ran along the river - as before - but decided to run on the other side on my way back. So I did my intervals (good girl) and felt really good about getting to go home soon after that. Then all of a sudden the river was gone and I had no idea where I was. The signs said nothing about Hiyoshi, where I live, but instead pointed towards Kawasaki, which is a 8 minute train ride away!

Of course, instead of asking someone I decided to try and find my own way back. Ended up running in a circle until I found the river again and ran back from where I'd come in the hope of finding my way back. But no. Instead I found the railway (which is good) and luckily a train passed which said Hiyoshi on it so at least I knew what direction. Then I found myself in Motosumiyoshi which is a 5-minute train ride away from where I live. And I happened to jog onto the main shopping street. People everywhere, Christmas decorations everywhere, and then me - a lost gaijin (foreigner) with newly dyed superblonde hair. Great.

Guessed and guessed and found a main road where I finally decided to ask someone where to go. They pointed me in the right direction and after a while I recognised my surroundings. Note that during all this time it was pitch black so I couldn't see a thing! Thank frick I'm in one of the safest countries in the world. Had this been in Sweden or the UK, I'd probably not be alive now.

I'd planned 30 minutes in total. It took over 1½ hours. I suppose go me, even if the knee is not happy now. Not happy at all. Despite double dose painkillers...bah!

x

current mood

x

friday

Yesterday:

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling (all lvl 18 these days)
INCREASE! Leg press: 70+75+75 kg
INCREASE! Leg extension: 19+21.5+21.5 kg
INCREASE! Leg curl: 3x 44 kg
Squats: 3x 25 kg
INCREASE! Lunges: 3x 10 (5 kg/hand)
Jumps: 2-feet - 3x10 / 1-leg - 3x 3
Bending: 3x

No ski jumps due to space issues + I thought I'd done enough already. The jumps went fine, and the biggest problems seemed to be psychological. Will continue with these and try and get some confidence in that leg. Had some pain on the side but nothing major. Gotta get some intervals done...but a lot of increase in strength which is positive. Of course I'm on painkillers, so that might be why it works.

Again...those intervals...godammit. I'm so fed up with this now. But as my dear friend said: "You can't run away from it." Sadly not.

x

running...

I can't get myself to do the 9 km I'm supposed to do this week. That 13 km run last week took all my energy for running! But here's how I'm thinking - I did well over 10K, which was my ultimate goal anyway, so I know the knee is ok for it. So if I keep up the running (at least 5 km each time) I should be ok, right? One day I will do 9 and then 10 km, but at the moment it's too long. I get bored! So until I figure out an entertaining way of running/sort myself out, I will just keep it up. Also need to figure out those intervals...last obstacle in this training.

Today I did something I'm proud of. Thursday mornings I have a horrible class. Horrible, horrible, horrible. 3 hours Japanese with the Witch. I always get depressed before, during and after. I also felt I have no time for myself, for relaxing, reading or even proper studying. Weird, seeing as I do nothing. Anyway, I decided to 'treat' myself to a coffee shop session, i.e. a large cup of coffee and a book. So after class, instead of heading to the gym as per usual, I went to one of my favourite coffee shops here, took my studies of Japanese literature, had a big cup and a waffle cookie (my god that was good!) and sat there with no conception of time whatsoever (I also forgot my cell). It was so good. When I'd finished my coffee and exhausted my attention span for studies, I simply went home with full intention of running - if I still had time before the next class. Turns out I did. It would have been so easy just to say 'meh, don't have time' but I had some food, then put on the running trousers and went out for 30 mins run (distance to be calculated). Win-win situation: a. I got my me-time coffee shop session, b. I didn't have to feel incarcerated in the gym, c. got fresh air and one of this week's runnings.

Proud me, even if it wasn't the 9 km I'm supposed to do. Did some mini-intervals as well to try the knee, and it felt fine. Slow and steady, m'lady. It will be interesting to see how this good flow will be broken down eventually. Positive me, eh?

x

ps. I've somehow managed to get fat. Not even funny any more. I must have gained so much fat. Quite impressive considering I work out 3-4 times a week (and proper stuff too!) and live in a country with the healthiest food in the world. Go me?

yesteryear

...or at least yesterday. These days are full of ponderings, what-ifs, and prophesising - business as usual in other words. However, I am also trying to pick up training while retaining me-time. So yesterday I decided - and actually felt like! - a proper strength session. Been a while since last time (Sunday) as I played volleyball Tuesday, and I'm on painkillers at the moment so I feel great! And the session went well, very well indeed. One of those almost "too good to be true" ones, but I know I was a good girl as I increased the weights and stuff. Even had to tell myself to hold back and not increase crazily and ruin it. Here goes:

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
INCREASE! Leg press: 70+70+75 kg
Leg curl: 3x 41.5 kg
INCREASE! Leg extension: 3x 19 kg
INCREASE! Squats: 3x 25 kg (bar + 5 kg)
Lunges: 3x 10; 4 kg /hand
Ski jumps
Step-up: 4 mins (fast pace)
NEW! Jumps: 3x 10 reps (onto step-up board w. 2 levels)
Bending

Also made a new friend. There's a woman who's silly skinny-muscular and I guess I've been sort of sneak-peeking at her workout to see how she does it, and she caught me sometimes. Anyhow we started saying hello and yesterday she talked to me. Turns out she speaks very good English, is called Yoko, and thinks I "work very hard"! Maybe I'll ask her for some tips next time. She is pure muscle!

x

volleyball

I did it! I played volleyball! It's funny - for 12 years I've been so possessed by basketball that I haven't even tried anything else. You can compare it to when you become obsessed with one guy and all of a sudden no one else exists. Then you wake up from your fairytale and realise that the world is full of variety. That's me now. Don't get me wrong, I love basketball to bits and if anything tonight made me want to play again more than ever. But volleyball is cool. And there is no contact = less injury prone = good for me. Might actually try and take it up. Of course I should try things, but I honestly don't know what I could do...so many sports are tough on knees etc. Obviously real volleyball is but for a beginner it's fine.

I even scored some points despite no having a clue of what I was doing. Naturally I was conscious of the knee but I jumped and so on without any major troubles. Played about 4 games so not a lot, but I'll consider it a start. Especially as I was thinking to myself beforehand: "You're pushing it, you're pushing it" because I haven't even reached 6 months yet. So a good start.

However this means I will need to push my other training a lot more - starting tomorrow. So not in the mood. I'm out of the flow. And my body is dough so I feel like crap as well. Hm. There's always tomorrow, and tomorrow I will do strength until I can't stand. Then the next day I will run. Come on, lady! Turn this around!

x

[possible] milestone

Will get to the milestone in a minute. Before that, a little notification about yesterday's activities: mobility. For the first time in a long time I did a mobility session (which, admittedly, takes about 5 minutes) and I think I will continue to do this on my gym-free days. Especially when I don't have Mr Physio bending and stretching it beyond my own limits.

Ah, the milestone. Well, it remains to be seen how it goes but tonight I will be testing this knee for all its worth. Volleyball. I have played very little volleyball in my life but thought it would be a good place to start my "normalisation" as OK-d by my physio. A. I don't know how to play it, so can't do it properly and as forcefully as I would have with for example basketball, and B. it's not a contact sport so should be fairly safe. The team I'm playing with is just a recreational one as well, so fingers crossed, my 4-8 readers!

I'm not quite at 6 months so if it doesn't work, please remind me not to freak out. I'm excited though!

x

sunday

Ok, I'm not sure whether I can be happy with this week or not, but I'm going with no for a number of reasons. I'm also going with a rather more chilled reaction to that decision than usual, also for a number of reasons. Here's today's:

10 mins cycling
Running: 5 km (28 mins) + 3 km (16 mins)
Squats: 20+25+25 kg
Lunges: w. 4 kg/hand
Ski jumps
Balance 'pad' thing: 3x 1 min
Bending

As you can see, no intervals (again!) and running divided in two parts. I will learn from my mistake - not going straight after class on a Friday) for next week so I can do a full programme. However, trust me when I say the above was enough. Especially because the weather here is ridiculously humid at the moment so everything was soaking wet even before I started. I did a good 1 hr 40 minutes as well - only legs - so I'll accept it, but not more. I need to get those intervals going.

On a brighter note the knee feels semi-good (please, let it not be jinxed for saying this!) and I'm trying to do more normal stuff; e.g. not avoiding stairs as much, not thinking about every step I take etc. Not easy, but necessary. My friend back home can now walk in heels a whole night without any soreness - great for her! - but I couldn't even think about heels before it'd get sore. Yay me...always something.

Anyway, for now I'll be reasonably happy and take on new levels next week: 9 km, potentially volleyball + 10-sec intervals! Hell yes!

x

running

Oh my god. I am dead. Seriously. I went out for an outdoors run today (I thought the gym was closed - turns out it wasn't..). Anyway, I didn't mind as running outside is a nice variation and there's more to watch as well. So I went. I was told to follow the river as I was a little bit worried I'd get lost and never find my way back home. So I followed the river. Trouble was, I didn't know when to turn around.

My planned 8 km run turned into well over 13 km (measured on google maps)!!! Just like that.

Took me about 1 ½ hours so didn't keep a high pace, and admittedly I did stop a few times for crossings or to catch my breath etc. Ended the whole bonanza with a lovely 300 metre-or-so hill upwards as well and let me tell you I was ready to faint at the top of it. But I survived. And I'm proud. Well done m'lady. I deserved that chocolate I had earlier.

x

CJ

Just got the nicest reply ever from my CJ! It was thoughtful, written with effort and consideration, used lots of exclamation marks (although in a linguistically wrong way...) and both calmed me, and made me even more worried. He also spelled "reflect" as "refflect" - surely a typo???

These comments make me happy:

By the way - you've reached a good distance in running!

Good luck!!

We'll be in touch!

...but his part has me worried (although also happy as it's a positive one, really):

Now when you are 5 months post-op it is time to slowly return to normal activities; in other words, you can start trying different kinds of exercise like step-up, bodypump, aerobics and normal sports but with extra caution for contact sports such as football, basketball etc.

Are you kidding me? I don't trust it to walk up a hill and even that forces me to focus on how I'm walking. I don't know if this is psychological or physical, but...aah, I don't know.

I was supposed to run today, but decided to take one day rest and run tomorrow. I'll still have time this week to finish the programme, but I think I need one day, and either way, the knee is in no shape no take on 8K.

So schedule as follows: Thurs (run), Fri (strength+intervals), Sat (rest), Sun (run).

x

Bad, worse, JoJo

So it came: the new low. I should have seen it coming, really. It felt too good last week to continue. And then today I finally e-mailed CJ and said I'd started with some more advanced exercises and so on. It's like the Universe needs to hold me down before I soar too high. Damn you. Didn't finish the programme. Didn't do intervals. And tomorrow 8 km await. Let me tell you this, and it is the goddamn truth - I'm slipping. Seriously. I'm sure in the long run it won't have that much of a bad effect, and to be honest, the pain was too much today. But, yeah...slipping...

10 + 12 mins cycling
Interval cycling: 1x 6min
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg curl: 41.5+44+41.5 kg
Leg extension: 1x 19 kg - had an incident here where I felt a sudden sharp pain in the side; this is where it went downhill.
Squats: 0+20+20 kg - took willpower
Lunges: 2x 10 (both legs) - couldn't do any more
Ski jumps: 3x 40
Bending

Now icing the little f***er with edamame beans - yay for Japan - and having a booming pity party for one. I think I'm done now, thank you very much. Need to find a way to do intervals outside or in a sports hall, because the tread mill is not working anymore. Oh, and while we're at it, let's find a purpose too, shall we? That'd be great, thanks.

Over and out.

x

The T

Another session. I seriously need to a. e-mail Mr Physio and get this tedious programme revised and b. get some painkillers to reduce the stupid irritated knee. Anyhuu.

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg extension: 17+19+19 kg
INCREASE! Leg curl: 41.5+43.5+43.5 kg
INCREASE! Squats: 3x 10 / 20+25+25 kg
Lunges: 3x 10 4 kg/hand
Ski jumps: 3x 40
Bending
Step-up: ~7 mins

I e-mailed the basketball club here today. A little dip in the sin pool. I'm just thinking that soon I am supposed to start sporty stuff and I know nothing else but basketball. And it's not a real club, they just play once a week for fun. Yes, yes, I probably shouldn't, I know, moving on and all that jazz. Maybe I'm not ready, or maybe I just need to stay involved. I have nothing. So there you go.

x

issues

In one month I am allowed to try sporty stuff. I'll then be at 6 months post-op (halfway through!) One month. 4 weeks. That's nothing. Where I'm at now, there's not a chance for me to do anything even marginally sporty. Running forward is bad enough! (My friend, remember 3 weeks behind, is playing golf and swimming...me? bitter? never.)

Will have to e-mail Mr Physio and ask if this is normal. Also need to get some solid painkillers. Bad times.

x

7.0

Completed the big 7 km today. Went ok, despite some uncomfort in the last kilometre. Not happy about that, but finished at least so that's good. Time appr. 47 minutes. Not brilliant, but ok I suppose. Had carbo-LOADED before so it felt better than many times before. Now this carbo-loading is problematic. On the one hand it does allow me to complete training without dying. On the other hand, it makes me fat. I have not lost weight since I came here - I have gained it. Not happy about this.

Will have to find a balance somehow.

x

5 month-training

Another gym session. Boy, I feel repetitive. As follows:

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg curl: 3x 41.5 kg
Leg extension: 17+17+19 kg
Squats: 3x 10 (with 20 kg bar)
Lunges: 3x 10 (with 2x4 kg)
Ski jumps
Bending
Running: 20x 15 sec intervals (lvl 16)

Pain on the side during the second half. Running intervals went ok, mostly because I kept a relatively low pace, but it's so difficult to do on the treadmill. Next week I might go down to 10-sec intervals and that is just not going to work! Have to find a solution. Anyway. Squats were ok, even if I put more weight on the healthy leg than the other one. Leg extension is getting better but it crackles while I'm doing it. All in all I just have to be glad I pulled through. Not a great day.

x

5 months

No idea how it happened, but somewhere a month passed by and I reached 5 months post-op.

25/5 - 25/10

However, I'm not sure I deserve any celebrations this time. Postponed my intervals for today (can't wait!) and in a general state of BLAH. Also on the verge of giving up, without a cause etc etc. If you follow this blog, you know the drill. I rather deserve a big kick in the behind and possibly a slap across the face, so if anyone fancies volunteering for one or both of those two, message me.

And you know the worst part? No one cares! Should I fail his whole project and go back to my old ways à la 2004-2011 (more or less), the only one who'd give a crap is me. Not sure why anyone else would care, but there you go. Boo-hoo, go cry me a river.

End of rant. What a milestone celebration. Happy 5-month Day, m'lady. Bah.

x

cheating/compromise

It has happened. Before 5 months I cheated. Or at this point it's a compromise. Let me explain. I went running today. After getting back late yesterday and having to wake up early today I was tired, tired, tired. Almost didn't go/gave up early but managed to push through and completed 6 km in 36 minutes. Of course as it is the end of the week I should have gone on to intervals. But I was exhausted. Honestly thought I'd faint. I sat down straight after the finish line and the guy on the treadmill next to me actually stopped his workout to ask me if I was ok! I must have looked absolutely destroyed. So after a lot of thinking I decided not to do the intervals today. I went and did some mobility work and made sure I stretched properly instead. The compromise is that I'll do intervals on Tuesday after the strength session. This is not ideal, but it felt necessary. Yes, I feel guilty.

Running: 6 km, 36 minutes (lvl 10-11.5)
Bending

On a brighter note our old knee felt ok today. Still far from good but a little better is better than worse.

x

Scheiße!

I just realised it's October 22. OCTOBER! In 3 days' time, Oct 25, I'll be hitting 5 months post-op. When, how and where did this happen? Time flies when you're having fun? How can a whole month have passed by without me noticing? Didn't I just write yesterday that I reached 4 months?

Wow, ok. This needs processing. 3 days until 5 month-mark. Needs a treat/celebration of semi-high quality. But what?

x

suspicions

Today's session felt suspiciously easy. It wasn't the weights - I increased some of them even; it wasn't effort in cycling - I did one of the best ones in a long time; and it wasn't cheating either - I did everything. Some pain in lunges but bearable. Strange. It's like I didn't 'suffer enough' so it can't possibly have been a good session. Oh well.

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg curl: 3x 41.5 kg
INCREASE! Leg extension: 17+17+19 kg
Squats: without bar
Lunges: w. 4 kg in each hand
Ski jumps: 3x 40
Step-up: 4 mins

It still crackles and stuff, but feels a little teeny tiny bit better I think. No jinxes. Still far from good though.

x

6K

Late update, but Wednesday saw yet another increase in running distance. 6 km officially completed for the first time! It went fine (I went on the treadmill with TV screen - so much better!) even if it was tough and I had to decrease the pace a little every now and then. The treadmill messed up so I'm not sure about the time, but roughly 35-40 minutes. Level was 10-12 km/h.

Now off to strength training. Not in the mood but carbohydrate loaded to max so hopefully it'll be ok. Also sneaked in a few more good songs in my iPod for extra motivation. I got the moves like Jagger!

x

training training

So. Training time. This week's organisation is planned as follows: Divide the running and strength. I give two reasons for this: 1. Time 2. Effort. First of all, as I'm stepping up to 6 km now it will take 30 mins-ish (not a major difference to last week, but gotta start somewhere) and all in all my training would take close to 2 hours. It's not very nice or good to do intense work-out for that long. I'm sensing this might one of the reasons for the pain I'm feeling. So that includes number two as well. Plus it makes it all a little easier and healthier for my mental effort too. Today was strength day and it felt brilliant (mostly)!:

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg - no problems!
Leg curl: 3x 41.5 kg - no problems!
Leg extension: 14.5+14.5.17 kg - quasi-uncomfortable
Squats: 3x 10 (with 20 kg bar!)
Lunges: 3x 10 (both legs) - severe pain in the last set but otherwise ok.
Ski jumps: 3x 40 - tried pushing a little harder. Felt ok.
NEW! Step-up - tried a cheeky bit of step up. only for 3 minutes but at a decent pace. Actually felt ok, so might add this one.
Bending

I've kept a mind record of what I'm doing differently for each time, to find out what triggers pain and what makes it feel ok. Everytime it feels ok I've eaten loads of carbs. Maybe I'm subconsciously focusing a lot of food, or maybe this part is important? When I eat less it hurts/I get very tired. But by "loads" I mean stupid amounts, so I'm not too happy if I need to keep doing this (obv tummy happy but fat% not happy). Anyway, we shall see. After all this is the one shot I have, so might have to sacrifice a few % for the sake of the knee. I can do that. Surely.

Tomorrow morning is time for the lovely 6K run. I actually like running, so I'm happy. I haven't run this far since August 2010 so it's great. Especially if I don't have to do it after 1½ hours of tough strength training...

x

more training

Another day, and time for running. Was very much not looking forward to it. These intervals are killing me! But in the end my conscience managed to kick me in the behind and hurl me off to the gym and leave the bed behind.

15 mins cycling
Running: 5 km (28 min) lvl 10-12.6 km/h
Intervals: 15 x 15 secs lvl 15-17
Bending
Ski jumps: 3x 40

I was supposed to do 20x 15 secs intervals, but at 15 my knee said 'uh-uh I ain't doin' no more of this' and I had to stop. Was a bit scary, even if nothing happened. It sort of jumped ever so slightly despite the comparatively low speed of 15 km/h (I started off with 17 but that was wa-haay too high) so I decided I'd stop. 15 x 15 isn't bad, even if it is not ideal. Anyway. Did the ski jumps and the bending today so was a little bit good. And the 5K went ok even if I felt the knee all the way through. I want to get down to around 20-25 mins on 5K but 28 is still decent. Next week I hope I can do 20.

x

back on sq 1

Ok, maybe not that dramatic, but a setback certainly. Had a terrible gym session today and am now feeling crap. I stuffed myself with food before, far too much, and felt sick all the way through, but it went ok - cycling even went better than in a long time - up until squats. Those damned squats. Pain like bad, bad pain and lunges were no better. And I didn't fiddle around with weights, no no - this was without anything. So annoying. I did them all, even if the majority were with tears in the eyes while biting my lips not to make any inappropriate sounds. Maybe another painkiller period needed? It was only a week ago I finished the last one though. I don't know.

10+10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg curl: 3x 39 kg
Leg extension: 14.5+14.5+17 kg
Squats: 3x 10
Lunges: 3x 10 both legs
NO ski jumps
NO bending

Will do ski jumps tomorrow possibly. There was literally no space to do them today. People everywhere. It's a Friday night people! Don't you have lives?!

x

the big 5.0

Today I reached a mile stone in this rehabilitation: 5 km running! In other words half-way to my running goal of 10K. And it was fine, really. I upped the level in last km to 12 km/h which made the last 200 m very exhausting, but no knee problems. Afterwards I felt some on the side, but nothing major. Mostly I'm bored when I run. Today I got into some kind of flow and it was fine for 4K, but the last 1000 m were just pure will. As always, the thought of next week's 6K, then 7, 8, 9, 10 freak me out. So let's not think about that. Summary as follows:

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg curl: 41.5+41.5+39 kg
Leg extension: 14.5+14.5+17 kg
Squats: w. small bar 3x 10 reps
Lunges: 3x 10 (both legs)
Ski jumps: 3x 40
Bending
Running: 5 km (lvl 10-12)

All in all a good session. Almost too good. Did I miss something? Did I not try hard enough? Hm.

x

training

I'm not sure about today's session. Well, that's a lie, I am. I know it was far from perfect, or from meeting expectations, or even getting close to them. However, given the current mood, feel and how close I was not to go at all/not do the running, I cannot beat myself up for it too much. As a week, I've done what I should have, and I will, for the sake of my sanity, leave it at that.

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Running: 4 km (had to stop twice because I couldn't breathe) lvl 10-12 + 30 secs intervals, 10 mins in total. (lvl 13-15)

I was planning on doing the whole programme but then prioritised the running as I wanted to go and watch fireworks with my friends. I know this choice was an active choice on my part, and that I very well could have gone at 10am this morning and finished the whole programme. It was just one of those mornings when I didn't see the point in getting up early, and stayed longer than I should have done. Nevertheless, I somehow need to accept these failures and squeeze in training in my daily life, which is sort of what I did today. Interval running wasn't brilliant either as I was burnt out from the 4K (how on earth am I going to cope with this when I get up to 8,9 or 10K???) but I reckoned anything is better than nothing, right?

Have promised myself to do mobility work tomorrow. It's been a while since I did some proper stuff and as the gym is closed I might as well do at least one useful thing.

x

energised

Training session today without running. Will squeeze in three sessions this week as well. Two simply doesn't feel enough! It went ok today actually. Despite getting no sleep the night before. Perhaps even better than in a long time. I don't know if it was because of the energy drink I had before or because I ate just before (but that doesn't usually help energy-wise) or maybe because I have stuffed myself with carbs lately, but something was different. I had energy, and there was no pain, not really.

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg extension: 14.5+14.5+17 kg
INCREASE! Leg curl: 3x 41.5 k
Squats: 3x 10 (with 2x4 kg dumbells)
Lunges
Ski jumps
Bending

However, it still hurts/is uncomfortable walking in stairs and sit still for a longer period of time. All very annoying and unpractical over here, but I suppose it is normal. Not looking forward to this weekend's 4 km + intervals. When I'm down to 15 sec intervals I don't know how the treadmill will work. 30 secs are already proving to fast a pace + too short time to go down to rest, and then up again (takes about 10 seconds in itself!). What I did last time is just jump off the treadmill and let it run for 30 seconds until I get on again. But it feels a bit dangerous. Any ideas how to solve this problem?

x

amazon

Amazon is messing with my head. Suggesting a knee brace for me? "Based on the items you purchased" - I have bought a foam roller, but that's it. What a joke.

Stop it Amazon! I'm not playing anymore so won't be needing one of those.

I've got enough going on in my head of my own making without you adding to the pile of crap.

Boo!

x

the big four!

Had a good session today, despite a mood rollercoaster. Before I left I was cheery, confident and carbohydrate loaded. As soon as I got there, changed and walked up the stairs to the actual room, Mr Knee (for some reason I always pictured it as a guy...) said 'hold on a second, wait just a minute there miss - why so happy?' and began to be annoying. Not much to do but to get on with it, so that's what I did. Interval cycling is no fun, and I hope my sucking at it won't affect my recovery too much in the long run. Summary:

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 65+65+70 kg
INCREASE! Leg curl: 39+41.5+41.5 kg
Leg extension: 14.5 +14.5 + 14.5 kg
Lunges
Squats (tried 2x 10 reps with bar - still no-go)
Ski jumps
Bending
Running: 4 km (lvl 10-11.5, increase every 500 m)

As mentioned above, tried adding the bar to squats, as the regular ones start feeling good now - but no. No, no, no. After first 10 I felt it was bad, so I tried another 10 just in case. Bad, bad, bad. Maybe add the small bar next time, see how that goes. In general training, besides running, seems to have reached a static point at the moment. I might have to ask Mr Physio how to increase difficulty in ski jumps (tried adding speed + distance) and lunges for example. And how much am I supposed to push weight increase in leg machines? How important is it? Questions for physio rather than you, my readers, but there you go. Maybe a physio will stumble across this ACL reconstruction question and answer them who knows?

Again, good session but it'll just get tougher and tougher as always. From now on I will increase running distance with 1 km per week, and it will put even more pressure on my mental capacity and stamina. Plus my friend who's doing the same rehabilitation is swimming, doing yoga/pilates and other stuff that I could only dream of at the moment - and she had her surgery 3 weeks later than me! How is that fair? She did first time ACL (so hamstring) + meniscus though so the difference might be normal, but it annoys me that I still cannot do normal things. Yes, yes only 4 months, it takes a long time, big surgery bla bla bla. I know.

x

goals

Here are my mini-goals that will be rewarded (in order of expected time):

• 5 km (15 October)
• 5 months completed (25 October)
• 10 km (mid-November)
• 6 months completed (25 November)

Will come more after 6 months, and perhaps one or two in between, but at this point in time, this is it. Rewards yet to be decided (still have one nashi pear left to claim from last one!)

x

extra session

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 65 kg
Leg extension: 14.5+17+17 kg
Leg curl: 3x 39 kg
Squats: 3x 10
Lunges on board
Ski jumps
Bending
Running: 3 km (lvl 10-11)
Intervals: 10 x 30 secs (lvl 15-16.5)

Very nearly died during running and had to stop several times because I couldn't breathe. The whole session got off to a terrible start as I realised my iPod was out of battery. Thankfully I had stuffed myself with carbohydrates during the day so I was full of sugary energy. Running was fine except the breathing part. Next week is 4 km, and from now on I'll be increasing the distance with 1 km per week. Gosh.

That's what bugs me the most, and what makes me panic: the knowledge that no matter how much effort I put in today I will have to do it all again, and again, and again in the coming weeks. Bah.

Today concludes 3 times this week. Good work.

x

untitled

Gym session today. Had big plans on running 3 km + developing intervals into 30 secs x10, but as soon as I started I felt I wasn't on top. Something was wrong. I was faint, weary, energy-less and was worried I might pass out. Not sure why, but interval cycling almost killed me, and even though I did feel a bit better once that was done and I'd finished all the strengthening, I thought it might be best not to take on the huge effort that running would be. I think I actually don't work out enough to improve my stamina. Running twice a week, especially the distances I'm doing, simply isn't enough. I'm still very unfit, which is annoying. Nevertheless, I know I'm not doing 100% in interval cycling - it's so bloody hard! Meh. One of those moods. Regardless:

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 70 kg x3 (better than usually, once I pulled myself together, got over myself and went for it)
Leg curl: 39 kg x3 (easy peasy, might need to increase here)
Leg extension: 14.5 +17 + 17 kg (wow improvement! and it felt a lot more natural than usual)
Lunges (pain pain pain and unbalanced, but worked)
Squats: (see above)
Ski jumps (trying to increase difficulty on this one by speeding it up for example)
Bending (need to keep this up as I don't have Mr Physio checking mobility every two weeks)

Intending to go tomorrow/Sunday and do another strength session + running, or just running. Depends on mood, but really should try and get 3 sessions in this week. We shall see. I'm in a weird, slightly discomforting mood at the moment...

x

good

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 70+70+70 kg
Leg curl: 39+39+39 kg
INCREASE! Leg extension: 3x 14.5 kg
Lunges
Squats: no weights
Ski jumps
Bending
Running: 3 km (lvl 10-10.5) ~20 min

x

the trick with rehab

I'm about to let you in on a little secret. It is so secret in fact, that only I know this, and I only know because I figured it out today, just now, ten minutes or so ago. Perhaps I am the only one in the world who knows this fact, for I have not heard anyone else say it in this particular way. CJ has mentioned it, but hardly as specific as what I am about to divulge.

Take a deep breath. You're about to be let in on the big secret to successful rehabilitation. Yes, I told you it was big. I figured it out. Drum roll please...

DO NOT OVERDO IT!

Simple as that. It's rather self-explanatory. Had a good session today and even squats and lunges were fine (CJ e-mailed a reply to my question and basically said it will hurt, but as long as it's bearable, deal with it: push through) and running 3 km felt ok too. Actually, when I was finished I felt good - alive, alert, and able to do more! But I said stop, hold on a second, let us think here. I'm taking the double recommended dosage of painkillers at the moment and I've just had a setback in pain levels. Is it a good idea to continue? What are the chances I'll take it too far?

So, good me stretched, showered and went home, proud and happy about a good 1 ½ hours' work.

Quit while you're on top, isn't that what they say?

x

'cause we're cool like that

CJ now signs his e-mails simply "/C".

Yeah, that's right.

x

4 months

May 25 2011 I was at Sophiahemmet in Stockholm, prepped for surgery. In my lovely room with TV, locker and curtains for privacy, I lay down for my fourth knee surgery in 7 years; second in 8 months.

That was four whole months ago. 1/3 of the total rehabilitation time.

Now, September 25 2011, I have run 2.5 km, started interval running (60 secs intervals), and doing squats and dynamic lunges. Even though the knee feels far from 100%, or even 80%, even I can admit I'm a far cry from what it was on Day 1, or even the day before the surgery (in terms of capability).

Before the surgery I had not run once since July 2010, not been cycling any longer periods for a while either, and certainly not done any intervals at 14.5 km/h. It's painful, it hurts, it aches, but sometimes I think about this progress and smile. There is a long way to go still, but 30% is done, and in a few months I'll be able to try sporty things. But that is looking a bit too far ahead. One week at a time, lady.

However, the completion of four months post-op has awarded me a voucher of 4 nashi pears, now posted on my wall. Considering the effort yesterday, I thought I deserved all four of them.

x

Tony

Thank you.

x

Run for your life...

...that's what I did today. Like I promised, I went to the gym to make up for yesterday's disastrous training session. And made up for it I did. Knee felt crap even though I'd taken 500 mg of whatever substance I'm taking to reduce irritation. I wasn't confident and in the stairs up to the actual fitness suite it almost didn't want to cooperate at all. But I had to pull through. Cycling went fine, then I took away the weights for squats like Mr Physio said - and it felt a lot better, however not good. Lunges also painful, but not to the same extent as yesterday. This pain was bearable. So I did all that. Then on to running.

I ran so hard and fast that I almost threw up. After 2.5 km at speed 10.0-10.5 I had to stop and rest before moving on to intervals. Could barely breathe and felt sick. Don't know if stamina is so bad and down, but it felt like a great effort. Knee held up alright, got better after maybe 1 km or so. Then intervals. Kept to the 60 secs intervals x5 and held speed from 13.5-14.5 km/h - great, great effort! Once I was done I was ready to throw up but didn't, thankfully. Again, great effort and good to see the knee holding up in running, even if it's acting up during strengthening.

Hopefully next week's sessions can feel a bit better as I will now be on painkillers (double recommended dose) for a week. Please, please, feel ok. Running next week promises 3 km + 30 sec x10 intervals. Yeah, not looking forward to that, but in a way it felt so good to be able to perform such an effort. Feeling the heart beat a million beats a minute, sweat flowing down the whole body, face flaming red, and legs urging you to sit down, lie down - anything!

And to think, a year ago I couldn't run at all.

x

I did it

I e-mailed CJ. Today's training was disastrous and for the first time I cut it short. Leg press was killing at a mere 70 kg and the squats were too much to handle. I completed the interval cycling + all three leg machines, and that was it. No running, no ski jumping, no lunging. I feel awful about it but I couldn't continue. Far too painful. CJ's reply was sadly short but comforting. He wasn't too worried about it, but said I should go on painkillers for a week and try to avoid stairs (I've been walking a lot here) and take away weights for squats. Appreciate having him to ask, even if he really can't say much. E-mailed him back now asking whether it's best to just push through the pain or not. We'll see. So, the shortest summary yet:

10 mins cycling
Leg press: 70+70+70 kg
Leg curl: 39+39+39 kg
Leg extension: 12+14.5+14.5 kg
Interval cycling

I suppose this only gives me 3 nashi by the end of 4 months, but I'm fully determined to make up for today's disaster tomorrow. I will do squats, ski jumping and lunges + running + interval running. It's per week it counts, not per day, even if this organisation of training obviously isn't ideal. I'll be honest with you few readers, I'm starting to feel despondent about this thing. It's taking such a long time, I can't do anything, and it's not getting any better. I know, I know, it takes time and so on, but I don't know how much more I can take. Watched a dance class today and all I could about was that I'll probably never do that. I will most likely be able to do simple things, but dancing is such an effort for the knees. Basketball? Forget it. Football? Not a chance. And if I'm to go anything by the feeling I'm having now, it's like it won't be good this time either. Like it's not supposed to happen for me. Like this is my lot in life. Perhaps that's not the case and it's at any rate far too early to say, but my confidence and even motivation are failing me. It's a bit scary, like I can't control it, and I don't like it. But I don't know how to solve it. I'm going to quote Ted from How I Met Your Mother here:

"Its just, everyday I think I believe a little less, and a little less… and a little less, and that… sucks."

Yeah, pretty much.

x

Bad, JoJo, worst

Absolutely no new low in training today but certainly not good. Squats went better than usual - I think I'm getting the hang of free bar now - but lunges and leg press were killing. Still considering e-mailing Mr Physio because let's face it: in two months I'm supposed to be doing sportsy stuff! Soon I will begin running short intervals and stairs! So far from that point right now. Anyway:

10 mins cycling
Leg press: 65+70+70 kg
Leg curl: 32+39+39 kg
Leg extension: 12+14.5+14.5 kg
Interval cycling
Lunges on board
Squats: bar only (20 kg)
Ski jumps: 3x 40
Bending
Running: W500m R2,500 m

Very happy I went with a nice gym, even if it is expensive. Makes this whole crap a little more bearable even if it is borderline right now. I am sick of it and I want a normal life. I know that's what I'm working towards at the moment, but I'm done with having a bad knee. Is it too much to ask to have some good luck flow? 8th year and counting since I had a fully functional leg. Add to that that my hearing apparently is quite bad (can't hear certain noises and when there is buzzing, I'm lost) and that I've had bad eye sight since I was 10, and I might as well jump off a bridge.

Just one of those days. Again.

x

Seriously!

Knee is killing me. Ki-lling! Was stupid enough to wear shoes with a mini heel on yesterday (tiny heel though and very stable shoes in general) to the welcome party. Should have known better. But we only walked for about 15 minutes to get there and the party went on for about 3 hours - I even sat down for part of it! Apparently over estimated my abilities.

It's not swollen or anything, just painful and a little stiff. Thankfully the gym is closed today so I can't go even if I wanted to. Tomorrow is a normal session again. Took some painkillers so let's hope it'll clear up.

One of those days today. And not the good kind...

x

rest

Comment from Tony:

"[...] Sure it's understandable that there should be some pain, and plenty of discomfort during the rehab. That said, surely extreme pain is a bodily warning sign that you're doing damage? [...] sometimes it's gotta be better to say actually, no, this knee needs a break [...]"

You are completely right of course. My problem is I don't know how much pain is ok pain, and knowing my inner lazy nature, I'm worried I might be "taking advantage" of the situation. However, I do believe that the pain I felt during squats last time was a tad over the limit of what should be accepted so this week I shall only be doing strength 2 times. I'm supposed to do it 2-3 times a week so it's not cheating, not really. Besides I have been walking a lot (too much) up and down stairs and in bad shoes. Now wearing trainers instead when I know there's a long walk ahead, and the difference is gobsmacking. With trainers I can take so much more effort.

Therefore, in light of this, I shall only be doing upper body work today. Thought I'd get a little bit of cycling in (only very light mind) and attempt to get some shape into the arms. Other than gym, taking it easy with walking and focusing on studying instead. Will try and have a calm day after a whole day of walking as yesterday for example. Don't want to overdo it!

Thanks Tony. Sometimes what you need is to have someone else say what you, really, already know but for some reason don't particularly want to accept.

x

Painful gain

Today's training was not far from a disaster. The cycling felt ok, but not 100% and the same trend continued in leg press. When I got to the squats I was willing to throw in the towel. The pain. Insanity. But I pulled through and the running was ok, even the intervals. Came up to a nice pace at level 13 (13 km/hour) and I feel like I can do more. Summary follows:

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 65+70+70 kg
Leg curl: 32+39+39 kg
Leg extension: 12+12+12 kg
Squats: bar only (~20 kg) 3x 10
Lunges: 3x 10 (both legs)
Ski jumps: 3x 40
Bending
Running: W500m R2,000m
Intervals: 60 secs x 5 (lvl 12.0-13.0)

I'm thinking to throw away an e-mail to Mr Physio. I haven't done excessive training this week, even if I have admittedly been walking a lot in bad shoes. But if it's 32 degrees, how do you expect me to wear trainers?

Well, smelly feet here I come!

x

3.7

According to a counter, it has been 3.7 months into rehab. As a little goal, I've decided to treat myself to a voucher of 4 nashi (Japanese pears) when I hit 4 months. A little treat for good effort and for not giving up along the way (assuming that I don't until then). The reason I chose nashi is because they're quite expensive but very delicious, so it would be something I'm willing to work for.

4 months would also signify 1/3 completed of this crap, and I happily welcome this milestone, even if I think I should be further ahead at this point. I've now decided to go for the nice gym at least until Christmas to make sure that I do all I can to fix this knee once and for all. I am taking no chances here if I can avoid it. 

x

Discoveries

I'm in week 16! Oh my! Time moves fast when you're having fun...

15 down, 37 to go!

x

Week?

I've lost count of the weeks. 3 ½ months anyway, so must be somewhere 14-15 weeks. Will find out. Anyway, went to the other gym around here today. Disgusting. One room, maybe 1/4 of a basketball court, carpeted floor and terrible machines. Well, actually, had they had a good treadmill, I would have been able to stay there and not consider fancy gym. The treadmill was bubbly and it felt like running outside in the forest. Got the programme done in the end, however. With a lot of pain throughout and after. Now on painkillers.

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 60+60+70 kg
Leg curl: 35+35+35 kg (sitting one)
Leg extension: 10+10+15 kg
Squats: 10+20+20 kg
Ski jumps: 3x 40
Running: 2km (think so at least. weird treadmill)
Lunges on board: 3x 10 (both legs)
Bending

So much pain :(

x

Gymming!

Finally got around to visiting the gym. The most amazing gym I've seen (blogged about it here: http://jojosvensson.blogspot.com/2011/09/gymming.html if you're interested in details).

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling - did all 18 minutes straight.
Leg press: 65+65+65 kg
Leg extension: 5+12+12
Leg curl: 25+32+32 kg
Squats: 3x bar (20 kg)
Lunges on board: 3x10 (both legs)
Ski jumps: 3x 40
Running: W500m R1500m (lvl 8.5)
NEW! Interval running: 5x 60secs (lvl 11.5-8)

All in all a good session, despite some bad pain in squats (they only had free bar) and lunges. It does, however, feel a lot better afterwards than it did before. Interval running felt really good! I was surprised but got up towards level 12 in speed and even if it is only for 60 seconds, that's a clear improvement.

At the same time I couldn't help but start thinking as I sat on the mats considering the coming year. Even though the amount of training has been cut down a lot, to only 2-3 times a week (meaning there is plenty of time for leisure) I want to be able to train as much as I like, to do things and not worry about the knee. I know it's only for now and it's all in order to live normally later and all that, but it still sucks. And I want to play basketball. I want, I need, I must! Because it's not like I can do something else instead. What, chess? Every fun sport requires good knees, and even if physio said I'll be able to do everything, that doesn't mean do everything all the time. This moment is just one of those where it strikes me, where the world around stops moving for a second and the conditions under which we live become apparent, snuggling down beside you. Someone spin the globe, please?

At the same time, I think it is very good that I'm not at Holloway this year. Just seeing new people being added to the Facebook group is bad enough. Imagine being there, seeing them as well...

x

5 stages of grief: Bargaining

3. Bargaining
"I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."

As I've mentioned before, I tore my ACL first time the day before the second to last regional camps for the try-outs for the national team, one week before Nordic Championship, and four weeks before regional Final Four where I would have represented two teams. In that moment I did try to bargain, let me tell you that. After the surgery it was always "just one more practice" until years had passed by. Even when I finally quit officially I continued to practice with a team on the side in vain hope that it could work. Then, in October 2009 when we played Roehampton University and I twisted it, I was in shambles. For the first time in years I could play properly and now that was gone too. There is a lot you are willing to give up at that point. You go through possessions, qualities, valuables and try to exchange them for a healthy knee, or at least time to play that one last season. I did play, and perhaps that is why I'm now in this situation. I don't think the ACL tore in October, but later. I played through until March with taped knee, twisting it at least once a week. Can't be very beneficial at all. But we had four championships to win - and win them we did. Of course with the consequence that I had a damaged knee again which I walked on for a year, causing more damage and which will now take 12 months of hard work to heal.

Do I regret this? Bargaining short term time for long term function? I don't know, and I don't want to think about it, as I'm scared of the answer I might come to.

x

Semi-saved!

The gym on campus is indeed NOT closed on weekends, but only on Mondays. So I shall go tomorrow first thing and try it and get this one session done. However, it is stupidly expensive and you need a membership to train there so I don't seem to have much choice.

But the weekend is saved at least. As the knee is stiff and hurts like hell at the moment, I need to get into a routine as soon as possible. All this walking is training, but not good training. Maybe it was a mistake coming here at this point?

x

Problem!

I was planning to check out the gym today or tomorrow to finalise this week's sessions. Then I thought tomorrow might be better as I had been out all day and was pretty beat. Went online to check prices etc and what do I see?

It's fricking closed on weekends!!!

What do I do? It seems to be the only gym in my area, and the other ones I can find are ridiculously far away. But I need one more session this week. Maybe I will have to go to Tokyo or another area just once to get it done. Alternatively I do what I can outside; i.e. run, squats, lunges - and fix the gym next week. It's probably not a disaster but it would make me feel awful, considering I did have time both today and yesterday to sort it out. Gah!

Bad conscience, bad conscience, bad conscience...!

x

No kneeing

I arrived in Japan yesterday but I feel like I've been here forever. Maybe it's the time difference, but it seems like weeks! Luckily it's not weeks as I haven't done any knee work (well. not counting the walking, walking, walking...). Tomorrow I have in mind to investigate the campus gym which is about 15 mins walk away from where I live. Very expensive though...7,000 yen a month! Roughly £750! Insanity!

However, until I can find a cheaper one close by it'll have to do. So tomorrow. if banking and phoning goes well so I have time over, I shall muster up the courage and go. Must get in one session this week, which would make it two. Then I can do three next week as I'll have more time. It's so easy to slip out of habit, so I want to get new routines here as soon as possible.

Knee status is not epic though. I mean, it has kept up better than I thought with all the walking, climbing stairs etc, but it hurts and is so stiff at the moment. A bit swollen too. Perhaps it just needs to get used to moving around again. Let's hope so!

I hate going to new gyms by myself. I've tried to convince the other girls and guys to come with, but they don't seem to be typical 'gym-people' unfortunately. Oh well.
x

The time has come

Tomorrow, I fly off to Japan. I will continue this blog for knee-related stuff (and any information on CJ-Zombie drama I can get over), and if anyone should be interested in following some Tokyo stuff click below!

http://jojosvensson.blogspot.com


There's a long way to go with this knee, so plenty of training to report on. In the near future, it'll hopefully be a little more fun stuff as well!

x

The question

Me: "What will I be able to do after the rehabilitation? After the 12 months?"

Physio: "Everything."

Me: "Everything?"


Physio: Everything you could do before."

What?! Is this true?

x

Week 14

Training session characterised by pain, pain, pain. And at the same time, it went well! I think last week's foursome has taken its toll on the knee and Mr Physio said that I need more rest every now and then. Should I miss a session, it's not the end of the world - it could even be a good thing! That's good to know. Anyway:

10 mins cycling
Leg press: 75 kg x3
Leg curl: 30 kg x3
Leg extension: 10 kg x3
Squats: 10 kg x3
Lunges on board: 10 x3 (both legs)
Ski jumps: 40 x3
Bending
Interval cycling: x3
Running: W200m, R1500m, W200m

Running felt good! I could feel the knee, but no insecurity really and I think it's mainly because of hard training. I've got some resting days ahead so we'll see what it feels like next time!

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