denial

Having gone through the 5 stages of grief a couple of times in the past 7-8 years, I find myself back at denial. I tell people I play (present tense) basketball, I e-mailed the basketball circle here at Keio, and I'm looking at basketball gear, wanting to get it. When am I going to realise - once and for all - that I'm not playing anymore, and never will?

Sometimes, in my darker hours, I think about the knee and sure, I want it to get good and healthy - but what for? If I don't play basketball, what am I going to do? I need to find a way to live without it and I thought I had, but apparently not. It's like they say: you don't know what you have until you lose it. Well, that's not entirely true. In the past couple of years I knew what I had, and I appreciated it. Maybe that's the conclusion you need to reach before it being snatched away from you? At least I had my university year where I could end while on top, winning more or less everything, and redeeming my bad younger years; finally playing the game I always wanted to play.


I got a piece of my dream - that's more than most people can hope for. Can I then be greedy enough to mourn I didn't get the whole cake?

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