losing it

I'm losing it. Soon I really have to find my way back on track. The path I'm on right now will only lead to more misery and worse conditions to get back up on the road. And yet I keep pursuing this road because, right now, it's the easy one to take. And it's strange because I know how it will end, and it's not pretty. Still I go forward, forward.

I'm out for a run. Not motivated whatsoever and I wish I could stay in. I guess I wish I wasn't so lonely in this whole thing. 3 I's in that sentence. I can share my success and I can share my setbacks, but ultimately I'm on my own. Perhaps that's life. Or perhaps that's me.

This is a slump, I know that. Someone told me that "it's a phase." Sadly I don't have time for phases like these right now, and this has been going on for longer than a slump ever has before. It's been a month and all around me I see thing after thing fall apart: physical and more abstract.

The scariest part is that I hardly care anymore. I know I've given up (or am on the verge to do so) and not much moves me these days. This state of mind allows for no penetration or influence. But of course time moves on without regard for any of this. I guess that's the basic problem. Imagine if you could freeze time for a while. How splendid it would be. But no.

Those are my thoughts right now, 21 November, 3.07pm. And now I'll go for that run. Will be trying some intervals + running backwards/sideways + hopefully some jumps etc if I can find a suitable place.

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