the point of no return?

It's stiff and painful and the mobility is bad. Have I gone too far? Is this the point of no return I was subconsciously seeking?

If so, what do I do? 

What the hell am I doing? If I don't sort out this knee now, I'm doomed for life. I'm doomed anyway of course, but I'd be ever more doomed. I do have a confession to make: I don't believe it will heal. Over 7 years now it's been bad, and I was 14 when it happened. Sure, I can remember games and trainings before that (particularly in the immediate time before) but other than that I really can't remember what it's like having a knee you don't have to worry about. And, yes, even if it does heal, I will always and forever have to worry about it - keeping up training etc. It is a life sentence.

I guess it's been stuck at a plateau now for a while, maybe because I'm not doing rehab right, or because that's just the way it goes, but either way it causes me to despair. Then again of course I have no choice but to continue. It's just one of those moments. The best advice I've had so far in this crap hole is this:

Your knee doesn't know any difference between happy training-loving Jo and "I FUCKING HATE THIS FUCKING TRAINING BLEURGH" Jo. As long as you're doing it, you're winning!
(Tony, I will give you a proper reply to your very much appreciated pep talk. Very sorry for the delay.)

And it's true, of course it's true. Nevertheless, I imagine I try less if I'm in the former state of mind, and therefore it will give less effect. But who am I to question myself? Bottom line: I just don't know, and that's killing me. I'm one of those who would rather die painlessly than to go through severe pain and maybe survive in a plane crash. Exactly: one of the Quitters. Might come as a surprise for some, but that's the truth. 

That's it for now. I'm off to my classes where I learn nothing simply because I don't try hard enough.

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