5 stages of grief: Bargaining

3. Bargaining
"I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."

As I've mentioned before, I tore my ACL first time the day before the second to last regional camps for the try-outs for the national team, one week before Nordic Championship, and four weeks before regional Final Four where I would have represented two teams. In that moment I did try to bargain, let me tell you that. After the surgery it was always "just one more practice" until years had passed by. Even when I finally quit officially I continued to practice with a team on the side in vain hope that it could work. Then, in October 2009 when we played Roehampton University and I twisted it, I was in shambles. For the first time in years I could play properly and now that was gone too. There is a lot you are willing to give up at that point. You go through possessions, qualities, valuables and try to exchange them for a healthy knee, or at least time to play that one last season. I did play, and perhaps that is why I'm now in this situation. I don't think the ACL tore in October, but later. I played through until March with taped knee, twisting it at least once a week. Can't be very beneficial at all. But we had four championships to win - and win them we did. Of course with the consequence that I had a damaged knee again which I walked on for a year, causing more damage and which will now take 12 months of hard work to heal.

Do I regret this? Bargaining short term time for long term function? I don't know, and I don't want to think about it, as I'm scared of the answer I might come to.

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