Heartbroken

I supposed it had to come, this day. It was simply inevitable. But even as you know it, expect it even, it hurts nonetheless. When dream stays dream, fantasy does not escape fantasy, and wishing is done upon a star long gone. It happened around 10am.

I'd been spotting CJ all morning, walking back and forth, had a little 'hello' the first time. Even knocked on his door as I planned on talking to him, but he was out then. So halfway through the session I mustered the courage and went to his door as I knew he wasn't with a patient (yes, I keep check). Knocked. No reply. Maybe I knocked too lightly? Knocked again. Harder this time. After a minute or so he opened and said he'd been on the phone. So I went in, told him about what the doctor said and he calmed me down as only he can.

(This is funny: I had my operation done in a very posh clinic, probably the best in Sweden - FIFA Medical Center and top-of-the-game doctors/physios. I live, and CJ works, in a shitty town south-east. In reply to my "I was at SH yesterday", CJ sarcastically said "Oh, how lovely..." I love passive-aggressive bitterness!)

But then for some reason I looked down. At his hand. Just to make sure. I was so shocked I forgot what we were talking about. On the left hand, on fourth finger counting from the thumb - the one thing I did not want to see, the circle of disappoinment, of never-gonna-happen. The ring.

Sad smileys all over this lady today :( It was good while it lasted, CJ, very good indeed...

x

ps: Do wedding rings and engagement rings look different? I mean a married man is a married man but an engagement is more of a guideline anyway, isn't it?