You've heard it before, but this time it's legitimate. I hate this, and I hate it bad.
In short, as I'm in no mood for expanded explanations: I went to Zumba tonight and 20 minutes in I twisted the knee. No damage I don't think but it 'dislocated' like a million times before and stayed that way for about 20 seconds before clicking back.
I e-mailed CJ but he didn't see it before going home so now I have to wait until Monday to find out what he says. 11 months post-op, and this happens. I have no words.
x
4/27/2012
4/26/2012
the imminent end
I've decided that the soon-to-be-non-end to this whole shebang in a month is both good and bad. Surprised? Well, let me explain.
Bad because:
- it somehow, in a twisted sense, gives me a purpose in life.
- it allows me the benefit of a doubt, and the hope that I haven't yet reached the top level.
- it's all I know. What will I do after?
- it won't be the end, even if I pretend it is.
- running out of time.
Good because:
- the end! 8 years can finally, finally, be concluded.
- even if I'm not at the level I should be, the time pressure is off. No longer will I sit there at the 25th of each month thinking 'crap, only X months left'. No, no, I'll still mark every 25th and think 'crap, X months have passed' but the time constraint will be off.
- I can help my brain readjust to a normal knee and a normal life. No excuses from then on, and I can assume I'm healthy. Freedom.
Except I don't think I'll ever be 100% fine. My mind is so used to this now - 8/22 years! - so either it'll take years and years to recover mentally, or I never will.
4 weeks left, and as always I'm torn between joy and despair. I was never good with goodbyes. Then again, I guess this one is more of a greeting of sorts. A welcome back to my friend, my partner - my knee.
x
Bad because:
- it somehow, in a twisted sense, gives me a purpose in life.
- it allows me the benefit of a doubt, and the hope that I haven't yet reached the top level.
- it's all I know. What will I do after?
- it won't be the end, even if I pretend it is.
- running out of time.
Good because:
- the end! 8 years can finally, finally, be concluded.
- even if I'm not at the level I should be, the time pressure is off. No longer will I sit there at the 25th of each month thinking 'crap, only X months left'. No, no, I'll still mark every 25th and think 'crap, X months have passed' but the time constraint will be off.
- I can help my brain readjust to a normal knee and a normal life. No excuses from then on, and I can assume I'm healthy. Freedom.
Except I don't think I'll ever be 100% fine. My mind is so used to this now - 8/22 years! - so either it'll take years and years to recover mentally, or I never will.
4 weeks left, and as always I'm torn between joy and despair. I was never good with goodbyes. Then again, I guess this one is more of a greeting of sorts. A welcome back to my friend, my partner - my knee.
x
that run
It happened, I swear. Even if I don't have any evidence for it. 40 minutes into the run, my beloved ex-friend Nike+ iPod device decided enough was enough - and quit. Without saving the run at all.
Because of this I don't know distance, but I know I was out for 60 minutes and that included a sprint from bottom to top of a hill (with some stairs). I had planned to do a number of sprints but I wanted to die at the end of the first one so sat down for a bit and then ran home. Also did 30 box jumps.
Very upset with my device.
x
Because of this I don't know distance, but I know I was out for 60 minutes and that included a sprint from bottom to top of a hill (with some stairs). I had planned to do a number of sprints but I wanted to die at the end of the first one so sat down for a bit and then ran home. Also did 30 box jumps.
Very upset with my device.
x
why can't we just be friends?
I'm about to go for a run in the drizzling, grey weather - but I can't seem to find the energy. That seems to be a common theme these days, and although I am bored to death with very little to do, I can't muster up even enough for 30 mins run. Might have something to do with recent weight gain too (both muscles and fat). So much fatigue.
Bottomline: I don't want to go running. I want to be ABLE to go running, but I want to do sports. I want to go back and do basketball again, without 8 years of knee crap. I want to be able to do stuff without worrying constantly about this goddamn thing.
That's what I want, but as we know reality is something quite different. And so, consequently, I shall now put on my thermal running gear and do that run. 'Cause that's the way the cookie crumbles.
x
Bottomline: I don't want to go running. I want to be ABLE to go running, but I want to do sports. I want to go back and do basketball again, without 8 years of knee crap. I want to be able to do stuff without worrying constantly about this goddamn thing.
That's what I want, but as we know reality is something quite different. And so, consequently, I shall now put on my thermal running gear and do that run. 'Cause that's the way the cookie crumbles.
x
4/25/2012
too damn muscular!
x
ps. yes, my room is a mess.
11 months
11 months post-op. Unbelievable.
And I celebrated by not training. How suitable. Not to worry, I will do my share this week.
11 months ago I was on the table, and in one month it will (officially) be over. Of course it's never going to be over, but there you go.
x
And I celebrated by not training. How suitable. Not to worry, I will do my share this week.
11 months ago I was on the table, and in one month it will (officially) be over. Of course it's never going to be over, but there you go.
4/24/2012
strength sesh
Today's:
10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg curl: 32+39+39 kg
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg
Side lunges: 3x 10 reps
Balance cushion
Bending x3
+ upper body
Knee feels achy tonight. Decent session but I don't seem to increase any weights. Quickly got fatigued as well - and trust me, there is nothing minuscule about the calorie intake. Squats felt alright for once. I'm starting to think I'll never achieve equal strength in both legs - it's simply been too long. Not sure what to make of that.
x
10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg curl: 32+39+39 kg
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg
Side lunges: 3x 10 reps
Balance cushion
Bending x3
+ upper body
Knee feels achy tonight. Decent session but I don't seem to increase any weights. Quickly got fatigued as well - and trust me, there is nothing minuscule about the calorie intake. Squats felt alright for once. I'm starting to think I'll never achieve equal strength in both legs - it's simply been too long. Not sure what to make of that.
x
4/22/2012
zumba!
Tried a Zumba class today! I've been a wee bit suspicious towards this trend as it seems a bit too popular, what with tv-ads in numerous versions, and DVDs etc etc. But, in my quest for new work-out routines I went.
And I love it!
It was so much fun, the instructor was the nicest and a complete contrast to yesterday's Aerobics! Definitely making this my Sunday standard. It's quite the work-out as well. Pulse up, out of breath, and the knee felt it good. Definitely the type of thing I need to be doing.
To Zumba!
x
And I love it!
It was so much fun, the instructor was the nicest and a complete contrast to yesterday's Aerobics! Definitely making this my Sunday standard. It's quite the work-out as well. Pulse up, out of breath, and the knee felt it good. Definitely the type of thing I need to be doing.
To Zumba!
x
4/21/2012
class debut!
Finally, finally got myself to try the classes at the gym. In other words I managed to convince a friend to go with me. Today we did 30 mins Dance followed by 50 minutes Aerobics. Verdict?
Never again. Dance was fine (although the old ladies were waay better than us!) but Aerobics was fricking hard! And not my style. Will probably do Dance again, and tomorrow we're trying Zumba!
But again I realise I'm more of a sports person, as opposed to classes. I want basketball and I want it now, dammit! Crikey, this one's a tough one...
x
Never again. Dance was fine (although the old ladies were waay better than us!) but Aerobics was fricking hard! And not my style. Will probably do Dance again, and tomorrow we're trying Zumba!
But again I realise I'm more of a sports person, as opposed to classes. I want basketball and I want it now, dammit! Crikey, this one's a tough one...
x
gymming
Gym session yesterday. Only rather light in knee terms but my legs are aching! Here we go:
10 mins cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg
Lunges on board: 3x 14 kg
Bending: 3x
Also did some upper body + core and one lap of interval cycling. I think it's fine for a second strength session.
x
10 mins cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg
Lunges on board: 3x 14 kg
Bending: 3x
Also did some upper body + core and one lap of interval cycling. I think it's fine for a second strength session.
x
would it...
...be a terribly terrible idea to do basketball once a week?
- this is the question I want to pose to CJ. Tennis would be fun, but there's something inside me that yearns for the ballers' court. Even though I know it's a bad idea in every possible way.
x
- this is the question I want to pose to CJ. Tennis would be fun, but there's something inside me that yearns for the ballers' court. Even though I know it's a bad idea in every possible way.
x
45 mins
Run:
45 mins
7.44 km
Outside in semi-sun, on concrete. Knee was not happy about the latter but I pushed through and even though the time absolutely sucks, I did it. Not often I manage to get over 30 mins running in, so gotta be happy with it. Also did some minuscule impulsive sprinting and it felt good.
x
45 mins
7.44 km
Outside in semi-sun, on concrete. Knee was not happy about the latter but I pushed through and even though the time absolutely sucks, I did it. Not often I manage to get over 30 mins running in, so gotta be happy with it. Also did some minuscule impulsive sprinting and it felt good.
x
4/17/2012
gym times
Finally a gym session.
10 mins cycling
Interval cycling (proper)
Leg press: 65+70+70 kg
Leg extension: 26+28.5+28.5 kg
Deadlifts: 3x 20 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg
Bending: 3x
Stretch
Did some upper body and all in all it took 1 ½ hours. Must say it felt ok, although I can certainly feel that I'm rather unfit. Got some friends now to go to classes with so hopefully I can push this last month. Also joining tennis!
I'll be honest. I'm terrified. It's 'over' soon. Except it won't be. Ok, let's not go there right now. We know how it ends.
x
10 mins cycling
Interval cycling (proper)
Leg press: 65+70+70 kg
Leg extension: 26+28.5+28.5 kg
Deadlifts: 3x 20 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg
Bending: 3x
Stretch
Did some upper body and all in all it took 1 ½ hours. Must say it felt ok, although I can certainly feel that I'm rather unfit. Got some friends now to go to classes with so hopefully I can push this last month. Also joining tennis!
I'll be honest. I'm terrified. It's 'over' soon. Except it won't be. Ok, let's not go there right now. We know how it ends.
x
4/14/2012
yday
Had a little run and some strength.
6 km = 32 min
0.5 inclination most of the way
Squats: 3x 20 kg (10)
Bending: 3x
Balance cushion
Lateral lunges: 3x 8 kg (20)
Felt alright and I adjusted the pace a little so that I was rather tired by the end. Knee felt stiff and not very fit. Will hopefully be joining a sport soon and may have acquired a gym buddy to go to classes with. We'll see. So sick of this.
x
6 km = 32 min
0.5 inclination most of the way
Squats: 3x 20 kg (10)
Bending: 3x
Balance cushion
Lateral lunges: 3x 8 kg (20)
Felt alright and I adjusted the pace a little so that I was rather tired by the end. Knee felt stiff and not very fit. Will hopefully be joining a sport soon and may have acquired a gym buddy to go to classes with. We'll see. So sick of this.
x
4/12/2012
melancholic pleasure
I would like to take a moment and apologise for the last week's depressing posts. Normally I wouldn't mind, because this is my own space for my thoughts through this process - BUT I've seen a consistent rise in readers as well (anyone spot a connection?) so I think it's worth a post.
No, things are not great and as I'm closing in on the completion of my rehabilitation period - what should be a joyous moment of freedom - I can't help but to feel more trapped than ever. Not only am I forever tied to a regular rather tough training routine, but there are no guarantees that will even help. I don't mind working out, and in fact I do realise it is somewhat of a blessing. This way, I'll never be able to completely let myself go. It's a healthy life style I'm given.
On the other hand, the consequences if I do not follow the regime are dire. Even after 2 weeks of slipping, when I ran 10K I could not walk afterwards or the following day. Long holidays? That one-month volunteering trip I want to make? Don't even think about it.
And of course, at the same time, any elite sports is out of the question. Unless we're discussing chess or paralympics here, my days beyond "ambitious amateur" (as CJ calls it) are over. Not that I was hoping to go to the WNBA or even national league in Sweden (I gave that up long ago), but I can't even dream about it anymore. Now all that's left is the 'what if...'. I hate the what if.
Sports has always been my life, and perhaps this is a sign that my destiny is something else, but I can't figure out what. Sports is what I do, and what I've always done, and I just feel like I've lost a big part of myself. Not just through losing basketball. I've (sort of) made my peace with that. But losing sports as a whole - or at least any ambitions/dreams I may still harbour.
It's just not going to happen for me, and I'll always have to be conscious of my knee. Mr Physio said that I'll probably always feel it one way or the other. That would be fine if I was old, and it would be natural for the body to remind me of the age. But I'm not old, even though it certainly feels like it. I'm 22 and supposedly have my whole life in front of me. I've had this crap since I was 14.
To put everything above in one sentence, I guess I just don't see an end to it. And that both scares me and makes me sad. I'm sure I'll snap out of this melancholia at some point, and hopefully I'm not making any other ACL victims too depressed.
If you're out there reading this before, during or after your ACL rehab, know one thing - I've been terribly unlucky through this process, what with rogue surgeries and personal denial delaying the inevitable. You'll be fine because most people are fine. I'm just in those 10-20% you don't want to be in.
Anyway, sorry for a long post but I needed to write it down because it's been bugging me for a long time. Thank you for reading, and please feel free to mail any questions you may have about ACL surgeries/rehab etc to ladypretentious@gmail.com. I know a fair bit about it.
Again, thank you.
x
No, things are not great and as I'm closing in on the completion of my rehabilitation period - what should be a joyous moment of freedom - I can't help but to feel more trapped than ever. Not only am I forever tied to a regular rather tough training routine, but there are no guarantees that will even help. I don't mind working out, and in fact I do realise it is somewhat of a blessing. This way, I'll never be able to completely let myself go. It's a healthy life style I'm given.
On the other hand, the consequences if I do not follow the regime are dire. Even after 2 weeks of slipping, when I ran 10K I could not walk afterwards or the following day. Long holidays? That one-month volunteering trip I want to make? Don't even think about it.
And of course, at the same time, any elite sports is out of the question. Unless we're discussing chess or paralympics here, my days beyond "ambitious amateur" (as CJ calls it) are over. Not that I was hoping to go to the WNBA or even national league in Sweden (I gave that up long ago), but I can't even dream about it anymore. Now all that's left is the 'what if...'. I hate the what if.
Sports has always been my life, and perhaps this is a sign that my destiny is something else, but I can't figure out what. Sports is what I do, and what I've always done, and I just feel like I've lost a big part of myself. Not just through losing basketball. I've (sort of) made my peace with that. But losing sports as a whole - or at least any ambitions/dreams I may still harbour.
It's just not going to happen for me, and I'll always have to be conscious of my knee. Mr Physio said that I'll probably always feel it one way or the other. That would be fine if I was old, and it would be natural for the body to remind me of the age. But I'm not old, even though it certainly feels like it. I'm 22 and supposedly have my whole life in front of me. I've had this crap since I was 14.
To put everything above in one sentence, I guess I just don't see an end to it. And that both scares me and makes me sad. I'm sure I'll snap out of this melancholia at some point, and hopefully I'm not making any other ACL victims too depressed.
If you're out there reading this before, during or after your ACL rehab, know one thing - I've been terribly unlucky through this process, what with rogue surgeries and personal denial delaying the inevitable. You'll be fine because most people are fine. I'm just in those 10-20% you don't want to be in.
Anyway, sorry for a long post but I needed to write it down because it's been bugging me for a long time. Thank you for reading, and please feel free to mail any questions you may have about ACL surgeries/rehab etc to ladypretentious@gmail.com. I know a fair bit about it.
Again, thank you.
x
fml
6 km
In the darkness, dodging people and dogs and speed bumps and mostly trying not to die. Shape is in shambles, knee is in shambles, everything is in shambles.
F my life.
x
In the darkness, dodging people and dogs and speed bumps and mostly trying not to die. Shape is in shambles, knee is in shambles, everything is in shambles.
F my life.
x
4/11/2012
today
Man, I'm unfit.
10 mins cycling
1x interval cycling
Leg press: 70+70+75 kg
Leg curl: 3x 39 kg (15+15+10)
Leg extension: 3x 26 kg
Squats: none+bar+5 kg
Agility: 20 mins
Bending: 3x
How can I have gone from so fit 2 weeks ago to this flabby chubby mess? Kill me now, please.
x
10 mins cycling
1x interval cycling
Leg press: 70+70+75 kg
Leg curl: 3x 39 kg (15+15+10)
Leg extension: 3x 26 kg
Squats: none+bar+5 kg
Agility: 20 mins
Bending: 3x
How can I have gone from so fit 2 weeks ago to this flabby chubby mess? Kill me now, please.
x
4/10/2012
1.5
1.5 months. That's all that's left. Until I'm "finished". Yeah, right.
Here I am, sat in my room. It's 3pm and I'm still in my kimono (read: robe). All I've done is watch Friends episode after episode and finishing up the last of my sweets. I feel so fat and lazy and useless.
Then add on top of that the above fact. 1.5 months until I'm supposed to be "cured". In other words at the top level, or as good as it gets, or in my life's shape.
Excuse me?
The knee feels like it did back around 4-5 months and I've added another couple of layers of fat in the past 2 weeks. I know, I know, if I go back to serious training I'll go back in fitness but what about the knee? I'm nowhere near a normal level! And perhaps the worst part - I have no particular reason to get back to one! Why? Why, why, why? I have no sport to return to and no major purpose to pursue.
Of course whining doesn't help, and of course I'll do my training this week. Have 4 more days after all for 3 sessions so I'll be fine. But if I don't start doing serious, sports-oriented training, this is where I'll be. And what difference does it make anyway?
How did I end up here?
x
Here I am, sat in my room. It's 3pm and I'm still in my kimono (read: robe). All I've done is watch Friends episode after episode and finishing up the last of my sweets. I feel so fat and lazy and useless.
Then add on top of that the above fact. 1.5 months until I'm supposed to be "cured". In other words at the top level, or as good as it gets, or in my life's shape.
Excuse me?
The knee feels like it did back around 4-5 months and I've added another couple of layers of fat in the past 2 weeks. I know, I know, if I go back to serious training I'll go back in fitness but what about the knee? I'm nowhere near a normal level! And perhaps the worst part - I have no particular reason to get back to one! Why? Why, why, why? I have no sport to return to and no major purpose to pursue.
Of course whining doesn't help, and of course I'll do my training this week. Have 4 more days after all for 3 sessions so I'll be fine. But if I don't start doing serious, sports-oriented training, this is where I'll be. And what difference does it make anyway?
How did I end up here?
x
last one last week
Bit late but here goes:
5 km = 30 mins
With 0.5 inclination
15 minutes bending + jumping
x
5 km = 30 mins
With 0.5 inclination
15 minutes bending + jumping
x
4/07/2012
After a binge of sweets and noodles I dragged myself to the gym - and what a success! Well...sort of. Now I can't walk.
10 km - 60 mins
Leg press: 65 kg x3
Leg extension: 26 kg x 3
Cycling 5 mins
Bending x3
Success because I ran 10 km and for a full hour! Long time since I did that. Epic fail of course because I barely could walk afterwards because the knee hurt so much. Painkillers next! Still hurts, hours later. I'm 22, not 80! And at more than 10 months post-op this is hardly how it should be...
x
10 km - 60 mins
Leg press: 65 kg x3
Leg extension: 26 kg x 3
Cycling 5 mins
Bending x3
Success because I ran 10 km and for a full hour! Long time since I did that. Epic fail of course because I barely could walk afterwards because the knee hurt so much. Painkillers next! Still hurts, hours later. I'm 22, not 80! And at more than 10 months post-op this is hardly how it should be...
x
realisations
I haven't been out of training this long, just didn't have time to update. But this week has left me with 3 sessions to do in 2 days to reach the minimum level. Will get 2 done at least.
But.
But.
I've reached a slump again and because I've had 5 days without training the knee is bad, and my body even worse. Suddenly it struck me - this is what my life will be like now. A continuous fight against myself, and my body. Unless I constantly keep up a consistent training week in and week out, I'm going to struggle with it all the time.
I'm 22 years old.
It's not my choice anymore. These are my shackles.
x
But.
But.
I've reached a slump again and because I've had 5 days without training the knee is bad, and my body even worse. Suddenly it struck me - this is what my life will be like now. A continuous fight against myself, and my body. Unless I constantly keep up a consistent training week in and week out, I'm going to struggle with it all the time.
I'm 22 years old.
It's not my choice anymore. These are my shackles.
x
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