october 2012

Guessing this blog is going to die down fairly soon, although it might be a good idea to keep up the training diary for my own records.

But don't think it's dying because the ACL story is ending, not at all. I am not that fortunate. In fact, it's taking a new turn these days. It would only die because of lack of interest, energy or spirit to continue it, whether it be in writing or real life.

A week ago I had an MRI done, just to check that nothing was broken as I've had some serious trouble lately. The doctor was going to call me with the results - which he did - and I managed to miss the call. He left a voice mail though.

You know those scenes in films and tv-series where a character will get a voice mail or a phone call with bad news and just drop the phone? That's what it felt like, sort of. Heart just sunk to the bottom of my chest when I heard it, and I've listened to it a few more times, just to make sure I interpreted it correctly. No, the ACL is not torn again, and I admit that that would have been worse. The message he left is probably the third worst scenario that could have happened. As follows:

The MRI was inconclusive but not entirely good (he used a Swedish expression which I'm struggling to translate). ACL looks fine but there is an irregularity in the meniscus. He suggests I keep at it during the autumn and then get in touch if it doesn't work and we'd consider what to do, for example go inside to check = another surgery. He left his number as well.

So, in short - I still don't know. Well, I know that there is something with the meniscus but apparently not enough to do something about at the moment. I'm where I was before, pretty much.

Also, being back at university where I used to play basketball, being friends with girls in the team...it's hard. I was down there for practice and couldn't stand it more than 5 minutes before I had to leave. Chest tightened and felt the panic approach as I stood watching them, now knowing that I'd never be able to do that again. Not even for fun. And it's not just that, you know, I've almost reconciled with that fact - but it's that I can't do anything at all. Whatever I do, it hurts. I can't live a normal life, and that's just fucking (pardon my French) depressing.

Anyway, I'm going to call this guy and ask what I should do. Probably get in touch with a physio too. Don't know if anyone still reads this blog, but there you go. For ACL peeps - don't worry, you'll be fine. I genuinely believe that. It's just me that the Universe likes to fuck with in every possible way.

Ciao.

x

just an update

I'm still in pain muscle-wise from 2 days ago so I took a resting day today. Ran 4.5 km yesterday and limped off the treadmill. Now it hurts when I'm walking.

As such.

I gym, it hurts. I rest, it hurts.

Another one of those moments: I am 23 years old. I cannot go out for a walk because it will probably hurt. I can run maximum 5 km on a good day before I have to stop because of pain/instability. 

In Olympics times, this defect becomes more apparent. I'm trying to get used to being an ex-athlete, but when I can't even walk normally, I can't help but to despair. 4 knee surgeries, and what for? This is not life.

x

lately

Lazy in updating here, mostly because training is bollocks at the moment.

Friday, I ran 4 km before knee gave in.

Today I managed a whopping 5K in 30 minutes before I had to stop. I suppose it's better than 2 weeks ago when nothing was possible but I do have some bad pain right now.

I don't know what to do, but I'll keep doing it.

x

beta plan

There is a beta plan in progress, friends. I do not want to spend too much energy/time on this particular issue at the moment, as I have 2 weeks left in my beloved Japan before heading back to Europe, and I want to make the most of it. However, I do realise I can't simply ignore it until I reach Swedish soil because quite frankly, I have to face the fact that location will do no difference.

Anyway.

For the following 2 weeks, until I can seek out a physio in a final attempt once and for all, here's what's going to happen:

Step 1: Avoid any kind of leg training (besides cycling) until knee feels ok. I reckon a few more days max.
Step 2: Stay away from the treadmill, but introduce light weight training + balance to ease in to the whole regime again. Perhaps a few days here too.
Step 3: Increase weights, and if all feels fine, attempt a shorter run at low pace.

Here, I'll attempt a class (a friend's holding it) in BodyCombat, to test. If it feels fine, I'll return to 2+2 sessions per week, but perhaps with 30-40 minutes' runs instead of 50-60 mins. I'll also do glute bridges 5 times per week, and work harder on squatting without shaking.

And then I'll fly west, find a proper physio, and give this knee one final proper 100% heart and soul try. However long time I need to put into it. Whatever happens then, let's cross that bridge when we get to it.

I might have to reassess and restructure my life quite a bit, but I'm leaning towards being ready to do so. Can't keep fighting this war anymore, like I've said before. Either I win it now, stand victorious, or I admit defeat, and gather material to rebuild my city.

x

done & dusted?

Today we reached a new low, friends. I went to the gym, too scared to run, but with enough guilt within to at least do a strength session.

Lately when I've been running I've felt in every step a strong sensation like it's going to fold. This creepy feeling has been accompanied by mental images of it twisting, and if this goes on for 40-60 minutes, you don't feel well.

So, strength. I went for leg press, felt a little pain but nothing too bad. Tried leg extension and it nearly gave way. That was it. I did some abs and cycling and went home to study for an exam, barely holding back tears.

As I was lying on the mats, semi-stretching semi-trying to maintain my calm, one thought floated in my mind: I'm so innerly and deeply and thoroughly tired. Then another struck, as I observed people running, doing squats, and generally keeping fit without any apparent worries (of course you never know): I hate you all. I'm so bitter, but I for a moment only entitled myself to feeling that resentment: I hate all you people who can do stuff, run, train, keep fit without having to worry like I do. I know a lot of people would consider me 'lucky' (but that's bs anyway) etc but I hate this situation. After the session I couldn't walk. All day I've treaded on egg shells, scared that it'll fold, and quite frankly it's been close a few times.

I can't play basketball, fair enough, but now I might have to consider stepping it down in the gym as well. It's like a one-way ladder where the only way is down. I'm not naturally skinny, I need to work out - but if I can't, then what? I'm already gaining weight. And if diet, and don't eat enough, I'll lose muscle in my legs and off we go on the evil circle again.

I'm so, so frustrated, because I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so helpless and insignificant and pathetic - whatever I do it ends up being thrown in my face one way or the other.

I'll ride out this part, in Japan. Post-Japan I'll have to deal with it and come to a decision, honestly. I cannot keep fighting a fight I cannot win. And if I can win it, I need to win it once and for all. Maybe I need to substantially refocus my life, a sort of Renaissance? Perhaps I need to give up further ambition and find other ways to spend my time than sportsy things? Maybe I now belong on the stands rather than in action, regardless of level? It hurts to think so, and I know I won't be able to live a full life without it, but we will have to see.

Without too much self-pity, my heart is breaking with this whole concept and now when it invades every single aspect and moment of my life, I can't escape. Only in my sleep and while writing can I think of something else. It pains me, and perhaps it has to. The never-ending story.

Rant over. For now.

x

Yesterday:

7k, 41 minutes

Every single step it felt like it'd give way and fold completely. Not sure how to handle this problem.

Today:

15 mins cycling
Leg press: 65+67.5+70 kg
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg
Lunges: 3x 10+10/leg 2x 7kg
Agility ladder + sprint: 15 minutes
Bending
Stretching

I need to run, both knee-wise and weight-wise, but I can't. In my head, literally, every step flashes an image of it folding, and in all honesty it feels as though it is about to as well. At the moment it is quite painful and I'm not sure if that is because I've moved too little, or too much. Yes, I've spent a few days more or less still most of the time because of studying/writing - but I've gone to the gym 6 days per week, doing all the stuff I'm supposed to. Last week, 25 km run in 3 sessions.

Whatever I do it seems to go wrong. This makes me sad, I eat, I get fat, everything is flunked down a notch, and so it begins again. Maybe I'll attempt running tomorrow. Maybe. I don't know what to do anymore.

13 months post-op and I feel like it should be at least a little better than it is. It hurts most of the time, I can't do anything significant - not even strength! - and it honestly gives me more trouble than pleasure right now. Funny thing is that in my head I'm imagining it'll be fine once I hit Europe - but why on earth would it???

So frustrating.

x

2

Yesterday: 55 mins cycling, 20 km

Today:

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 65+66.5+66.5 kg
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg (bad bad bad)
Leg curl: 3x 39 kg
Lunges: 3x 20 reps, 7x2 kg
Balance board
Bending
Abs+arms

In lunges my RIGHT knee decided to mess up, so had to cut it short. Wonderful moment with lots of young guys around me. Leg extension was really bad as well, with crackling knee, threatening to give way. And on TV was basketball. And my master plan fell through with HGG, which was probably for the best anyway.

Me? Defeatist? Never.

So sick of this.

x

Gym session today. Thought I'd give running a rest and do some strength. What a failure. In leg press I felt som serious meniscal pain so I stopped. Did some more light stuff but I haven't been able to walk all day. It's all wobbly and unstable and threatening to give way at any point. Stairs have been a nightmare.

10+12 mins cycling
Leg press: 2x 65 kg
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg
Lunges: 3x 20+5 reps, 8x2 kg
Bending
Abs + arms

Fucking hate this. Tomorrow I'll try running again. Don't know what to do anymore.

x

today's

8.23 km = 50 minutes

Rubbish time of course but there we go. Bit of arms + abs as well.

x

gym like there's no tomorrow

Been lazy to update lately. But not lazy in the gym, rest assure. On a fierce hunt to chase away fat at the moment so doing 5-6 times a week and with longer runs. Fact is, given the circumstances at this point in time, the gym is my favourite place. It's my castle and I make the rules. I love an empty gym where I can just do what I do without any botherance (is that even a word?). People are idiots, mostly, and in the gym it's all me. I love it.

Today:

10K run, 56 minutes
Leg press: 3x 65 kg
Leg extension: 3x 28.6 kg
Glute bridges
Lunges
Abs
Bending

Run killed me, and the second part took an HOUR to do. Still dizzy. But almost on my first goal weight (well, after the run).

x

run, baby, run

7.5 km in just under 45 minutes.
Glute bridges 2x 30 reps

Happy with that, but now I'm dying. Also back on counting calories, and eating a lot less than I have done in past months. Tired is not enough to describe my state! But I will get down below 20% fat again! + reach my goal weight (secret!). Yes, yes, I will.

x

10k

Managed 10.5 km in 60 minutes today.

Also, glute bridges 2x 30 reps.

Gotta be happy with that. Towards the end, our dear little knee was tired to say the least. But it fought all the way to the finish line, or for that I'll say well done and treat it nicely tonight. Good girl (it'd be weird if I regarded it a boy...right?)

x

Been gymming lightly lately because of illness. When I get ill my knee becomes shaky, and I can't see the point in heavy lifting at all. I do try to do light stuff, just to keep it going, but obviously it does affect it negatively.

Right now it hurts, and I can barely walk because it's so shaky. Also rather sleep deprived these days so that might have an impact as well.

Measured my fat today. 24.3% - not happy with that. I made a deal with the instructor that I'd go down to 22% before I leave. I should be able to do it. I know I'm fat right now.

Sucks balls. That's sort of a decent summary.

x

today

Time was limited, so brief session. Also ill still.

10 mins cycling
Leg press: 3x 65 kg
Leg extension: 3x 28.5 kg
Squats: 3x 20 kg
Glute bridges: 1x 30 reps
Arms + upper body

I'm moving closer to giving up. Think it's for the best.

x

give up 2.0 beta

In all honesty, I am now very very close on giving up. However, the difference from earlier threats of such action is that this time I really don't mean it in a self-destructive and potentially compromising way. No, not at all.

The hard fact is, the chance of full recovery for a first time ACL reconstruction is somewhere around 85-90%. We all know how what went and why. For a second reconstruction, the odds go down to 50%. In other words, it can go either way.

I think it's soon time for me to realise and accept that for me, this time as well, the odds went against me. Shit happens, and last time it was a human mistake - this time, statistics simply weren't in my favour. It's not necessarily disastrous, and I'm not wallowing in my typical self-pity here, no. It's a simple observation that I'm over 12 months post-op, I'm doing (and have done) the best I can but it's not getting any better.

I shall of course continue training, and sometimes it'll feel good, but perhaps most often not. My sporting days were over from before anyway, and to be fair, as long as I eat properly it does function fairly well on a daily basis. Might not be able to do that marathon I've sort of been considering lately, but I guess there are worse fates to come by.

Does it make me sad? Yes, a little. But I can't go on fooling myself forever, letting every moment of my life go to trying to fix it, or plan ways to fix it, dreaming about things to do. Somewhere I need to find a way to let it go, let it be the eternal part of me as it will be, but place it in the backseat rather than in front of the wheel. It's not a particularly good driver.

No official decisions set in stone yet, but it is certainly the way I'm headed. Should you have any comments/advice here, whoever you are, please feel free to drop them in the comment box below. I don't trust myself anymore.

x

"run"

Tried a run today. Fail. 1.94 km before knee started acting up. Instead of giving in as I'd usually do, I walked for a bit, then put on my motivational tune and tried running again. Made it up to 5 km in total, 34 minutes (ridiculous) before I stopped.

Did some bending and my glute bridges so overall it's ok. It's enough to count for a session.

But I'm not happy with this anti-progress. Not sure if it has to do with illness, or what, but yeah...no smiley faces.

x

shake it up shekerim

Today the knee was so shaky I couldn't even do balance board. Squats were a joke and nothing worked. I am so so sick of this behaviour now. It's been 12 months, I'm not supposed to be at this low level! Frustration.

When frustrated I eat chocolate, get fat, and more frustrated. Fucking logic.

20 mins cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg extension: 3x 30 kg
Glute bridges: 2x 30 reps
Attempted squats, jumps, balance
Bending: 3x

Hate it, hate it, hate it. After my tutoring tonight I'm getting chocolate. So far I've binged on sushi, yoghurt and noodles. I'm disgusting. F-word.

x

gymming

10 mins cycling
Interval cycling
Leg press: 3x 70 kg
Leg extension: 3x 30 kg (10)
Glute bridges: 2x 30 reps
Balance ball jump: 3x 15 reps
Agility ladder + sprint: 3x 10 sets
Squats: 3x 20 kg (10)
Calf raises: 2x 20/leg

Also tried some square jumps on one leg but it was bad. I don't trust it for anything and I'm not sure how to get out of that. I don't know what I'm doing wrong either. Got plenty of muscle but it doesn't seem to do much for me!

x

yday

Went to the gym but forgot my shoes. What an idiot.

Glute bridges: 2x 30s
Hip flex: 3x 10/leg
Back+abs+arms
Stretch

Got the glute bridges done at least. I'm ill, and consequently extremely tired. Not sure how to handle it.

x

gym

So today turned out to be decent, despite severe tiredness.

7.1 km, 40 minutes
Bending x3

Didn't have time for glute bridges, which leaves me at only 4 this week but it'll have to do. Mitigating circumstances (=Eurovision) has rendered me so, so tired this week. Next one will hopefully mean proper sleep and I can do full sessions again.

x